It is when something in life shakes us to the core that we step back and re-evaluate what "our" purpose in life truly means for us. In the early months after the loss of my son, I remember a profound moment as I was in California at a retreat climbing up a big hill to go to my next session. It is that flash bulb moment that I stopped and felt where I was. I immediately realized that I was approaching this horrificly heavy time in my life as I have done with other issues. I had my book bag on my back, hiking up this hill to class in search of understanding. I was trying to survive this because I couldn't even begin to fathom what in the world or how in the world I was going to survive without my son.....I have heard on so many occassions "if something happened to my child, they might as well bury me too". First I want to say how that affects those of us that have lost children when we hear someone else say that. In my case, I immediately felt, well they think that I didnt love my child enough because I am still here living and breathing. Trust me on many occassions I did not feel like doing so. I even had moments when I wanted the pain to end that I not only contemplated taking my life, but actually took steps to complete it. For a reason that I can only contribute to divine intervention or coincidence, I had someone that called me to check in. I just wanted to stop hurting so badly that I would have done anything to just "not feel" for even one moment.
Once we get through the mindless wondering and continueing to look for a child as if they are still on this earth, we come to a place of why are "we" still here? Or atleast this is my experience. Even if we are shaken by the fear of losing our own life, something happens. We can either be bitter and angry or we can try to find the gifts that come along with it. A newer sense of grattitude for the moments that we still have here with our loved ones. Life begins to take on a newer preciousness of meaning, because as we have learned it can change in an instant.
I now do not put off doing something that I have always wanted to do. The "someday I will do that" has turned into I am doing this now. I cherish even the small gifts in this life of just mere kindred connections with others. To feel worthy to give and receive the love that is our God given right as a living being. It is that feeling in our heart and in our inner spiritual world that we feel that touches us and warms our spirits. If we are not receiving enough love in our lives we become spiritually weak. In order for us to experience this we also must look deeply in our hearts to make sure we have not built thick walls to not allow love in for fear of being hurt. The first key to this is getting to know yourself first and learning to trust that you can take care of yourself when your heart gets broken. I can say it is possible to heal from this fear, as I use to have walls of such thick mortor that I let no one in except my son. So you can imagine the pain when the one person in my life, chose to take his life. It felt like he chose to leave me. I now know differently.
Take time to look under all of the bushes in your life and get to know who you are and where some of those old schemas are coming from...It takes courage and patients but what you come away with is a new feeling of self reliance and being able to trust your inner feelings......
Peace and Light to All.........
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