One of my favorite pictures of Brad and a moment that captivated his courage and strength...I feel my stomach tighten and the lump in my throat as I write this. I feel that the last year he has truly sent me earthly angels of reconnection with old friends and also some new found connections with kindred spirits. He works a little of his magic everyday and subtle reminders of fond memories that give me hope that my life will continue with new found happiness and peace.
I suppose the most important lesson that I have learned is to take care of myself in ways that I never knew how. To be extra kind to myself by setting boundaries and maintaining peace in my life and experiencing the joy that God wants all of us to feel in this life. It has been tiring and taxing and stressful at times to work hard to keep the joy stealers and the experiences that rob me of my peace but I feel with the strength of my son up there he is still placing the right people in my life....Ones that are sensitive to my needs and not take from me without offering their empathy and compassion.
That is what I need from others is to be considerate and kind not to understand fully but at least to try to understand what it has felt like for me in the last 7 years..I am forever grateful to all of my new and old friends that have given me a new outlet and outreach in my life...I look forward everyday to the laughs, to the support and the camaraderie of others... ..The wonderful connections of others have richly and warmly improved my life beyond one can even begin to imagine. Brad would be 26 now and with Mothers Day approaching I find myself having some anxiety. I just want that day to be peaceful without demands or drama. As of now all I want is peace.
I have noticed recently that my writing themes have been mostly about peace and less chaos and taking care of myself in ways that I never knew how before. I feel that the lesson for me here is to allow myself to have a healthy sense of entitlement as we all deserve. I always felt like I had to put everyone else first or I was consumed with guilt. I felt this sense of unworthiness almost my whole life but when my son was alive I felt worthy when I had Brad here with me because he was such an amazing child and I was comfortable just basking in his spotlight.
When he was gone I had no idea how to even be "me" without a child here on this earth. It has taken a long time and a tremendous amount of soul searching and learning to protect myself the way I always protected my son and that is hard to do when you feel undeserving, but I have re-invented that part of myself.
As of now, I just continue to wake up every morning and make choices that will result in the direction I want my life to go. So with that, I just want to thank my son, for teaching me what it feels like to be loved like a mother and to love as a mother......Blessings and Light to All.......
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