Oh to write on Mother's Day is not so easy for me. I have done some soul searching on this matter so I have decided to express my feelings of the essence of being a mother and to be mothered. Mothering can be demonstrated by anyone whether female or male. I have been mothered on many occasions in my life not only by my mother who is an amazing women but also by many others, such as teachers, coaches, my therapist, my husband and friends. Some call it nurturing but in a sense I feel it as mothering.
Even if some us are not mothers we can still can mother in this life. Our nieces and nephews, cousins and so forth, even our extended family. As women, it tends to be easier for us to do so perhaps because it is more socially acceptable but I have seen some pretty amazing men in my life nurture their children just as well as women. I am usually caught in a state of awe when I see men taking such a huge role in their children's lives that it is so monumental and extraordinary that I am so moved beyond words. As children this is what we need in order to thrive and grow and become healthy independent secure individuals. As long as a child has one strong primary attachment connection in their life they will always have the sense that life is meant to be loved and to love.
My relationship with my son was one of an extraordinary experience. We grew up together in a sense and learned to survive this world together. It was he and I against the world if you will, and it was he that taught me the richness and fullness of life. I would have never known this if it wasn't for him. He was a wonderful spiritual child from day one and from the moment I had him I knew or I felt that my life was complete.
So now what, some may ask since he is no longer physically with me? Such a dynamic questions with such a multitude of answers. To put it simply, he gave me the gifts of hope and peace. Some may be confused by this as to how I can say this since he was here just a short time and did not leave behind any living children of his own, but yes he did leave me hope. Hope in the essence that this life is worth living because it is the loving connections between all sentient beings that only matter.
It was my mother that taught me to be strong and instilled in me the importance of being sensitive and compassionate towards others. It was through her, I passed along this trait and semantic knowledge to my son. What she taught me was that all beings on this earth deserve to be protected and loved. I suppose, well I know that is why I care and save animals and it is why that I struggled so terribly when I could not save my son. The over sense of failure consumed me for so long after Brad passed that I could hardly breathe. Somehow by the grace of God and those who loved me I did. To hear the words that "yes I was a good mother" slowly began to take over the feeling that "I had not done enough to try to save him" began to fade over time and now I just believe that I did everything I knew how to do and some things in this life are not meant to understand.
So on this day of the year I cannot express that I am not sad or that it has gotten easier, but I can say that it has gotten different. I have to work hard on not allowing myself to slip down to that dark place that I was for so long, but to look ahead to what my purpose is while I am still living and breathing is where I must stay. To be thankful for all of the ones in my life that have "mothered" me so I can find the healing love that I need to continue to survive the loss of my son.
WE can all be earthly mothers and provide a respite and sense of comfort and love to anyone in this world when they need an empathic heart and a kind set of eyes to see them and let them know that they are loved.
Providence and light to all on this Mother's Day and may it be full of fond memories of all of those that have mothered you in your life and may you extend that essence on to those around you today and always.....
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