This picture reminds me of the importance of connections and how it doesn't matter if we are physically different from others, but it is what is in our hearts that counts in order to love and be loved. I feel that since the passing of my son I am so finely in tuned to what is inside a person now more so than ever. I don't have time to worry or even think about the materialism of life. There was a time that I did, to feel as if I fit in I guess, but mostly I remember thinking I wanted to have nice things for my son. For example, the cars that I drove, how we lived or the appearance of our home was important , because I was afraid that Brad would feel embarrassed or less. But now I must say those things are not so important to me. Now I am not saying that I am not concerned with how I appear on the outside, because I do care that I am presentable. I am just not worried about others opinions. I am certainly not perfect in anyway, but most importantly I have learned to forgive myself and shed the guilt that once haunted me daily and took away my ability to be happy. If I allow those feelings of guilt back in I will sink back to the dark place that I almost didn't survive. What I have found and what I believe now is that "yes my life is important."
I just see people's hearts and souls now and not so much the outside. I am drawn to kind empathic people and I need them now more than ever in my life. They touch my heart just by watching their sensitivity and compassion, and it is then my hope is restored for humanity and all sentient beings. I have heard on so many occasions over and over "people are awful" when there are examples of such bad behaviors in the news, media or even close to our communities However, I tend to believe there are more kind spiritual beings out there but we must remain open in order to see them.
As children we are born innocent and openly desiring love, protection and nurturing. It is when we are rejected or not protected that our overall healthy sense of entitlement and our worthiness of love is lacking . If this happens to us as children it begins to affect us negatively by wreaking havoc in our adult relationships. If our first primary attachments in our lives are ones of insecure natures and do not mirror to us our deserving love, we grow up thinking the world is not a safe place to live in and we are therfor unlovable. Our lives are then put at risk for self loathing and self denigrating feelings and behaviors. We all have areas in our lives of vulnerabilities, even despite our parents best efforts, life still happens to each of us. It is our uniquely acquired vulnerabilities that create our specific needs which instills inside of us the desire to seek out spiritual human connections. Someone once said to me "we are at our best when we have someone in our life to share it with". I never really understood this until recently when I began to look back on my entire life. Sadly if we have a partner that is lacking in their ability to love and be loved as well, the suffering is of such magnitude that a dull ache of longing continues to exist without moments of respite. And, it then the hard work begins in order to find ways to heal our wounds inside of us.
The good new is that we can restructure this part of mind and heart to incorporate the "healing" kind of love that we all need. At first we must solely work on our inner life. Mainly we must first practice loving kindness to ourselves and it is then we can really "take in" the love from someone else. All of us no matter what mistakes we have made or even if we have deeply hurt others, we are still deserving of love and acceptance. An old saying that made me laugh once was "there is a lid for every pot." It is so true even if the lid is cracked and the pot has a leak, the fitting of the connection is what matters. I don't feel that we can have these connections only through marriage or exclusive partnerships, but we can also have them deeply in platonic spiritual experiences as well. It is when we find those that "really get us" as some say and validate us, that suddenly we do not feel so alone in this enormous and sometimes seemingly unfair world.
I could write on and on about this but the main point I want to make is the most important existence in this life is to give and receive love to one another. Not to be confused with the honey moon phase of a relationship although that is an amazing feeling, but the deep love that remains a precious gift inside of us. Even though my son is not having his human existence anymore, I have inside of me my love for him and his love for me, today and for the rest of my life until I take in my last breath.
Peace and abundant love now and always..........................
No comments:
Post a Comment