The tragedy of life
is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live......Borrowed this from a friend on here………
This made me think of a transition that I went through about
a year ago. Suddenly it occurred to me that if I was not living a life of joy
and re-entering in this world I was not honoring the gift that I was given for
having my son with me for the 19 years 5 months and 9 days on this earth. The lessons that he taught me, the privilege
of giving and receiving the love between a mother and son is beyond any gift
that I have ever experienced in my life.
I do have momentary times in my heart when I do miss him terribly, but
mostly I find myself smiling a lot more reminiscing of the funny times we
shared, the amazing words that he said to me, like when he was 12 and told me
that it was me he was writing a paper about in school of “Who he looked up to
the most”, and the wisdom that he had at such a young age. I was more than
blessed with him but absolutely just honored to have been given such a sweet
soul
. We had our moments
like all of us parents have with our children of battles but they were all such
lessons of growth. I struggled greatly
for over 5 years with this until one day I decided I can’t live like this
anymore it is not doing his spiritual “existere” any honor or meaning. So I
cleaned myself up and started a new life of my existence here and surged forward
taking him with me. I do get it now, when someone told me that I must let him
rest and share a new relationship with him in a spiritual essence. I do not go
to the cemetery much, because when I do it bothers me and I feel him with me
always, not there.
I will try to explain as best as I can what
this feels like now. It feels in any instance or moment I can feel his presence
with me. What he would say about something that I am doing, something that I
know that he and I would share a private joke about and the language that he
and I had that only “we” truly understood. I guess you can say that he and I
were team mates in life. I had him very young so we learned to survive this old
world together……It is different now, as in the beginning I felt alone and
abandoned, but now we are still together in spirit. He still sends me messages.
Like yesterday I was bathing the pony in the wash pit which has gravel in it. I
noticed something silver but I just thought it was a wrapper or something under
the rocks. Until this beautiful black and white butterfly started fluttering
around and landed on the silver thing. Well I was busy thinking about how
unusual the butterfly was and that I don’t see many white and black ones and
how brave it was just hanging out around the pony and me. As I studied the
little creature it landed and then flew away. As I came closer to pick up the
silver, I noticed it was my platinum and garnet ring. I was shocked it must
have slipped off the last time I was bathing my horse and didn’t realize it. I
bought this ring in honor of my son 4 years ago as his birthstone is garnet and
Garnet was also my grandmother’s name. I would have never found that if it
weren’t for the butterfly, so I knew immediately that was Brad still
communicating with me. He told me once before he died that he could communicate
with nature.
Shortly
after his death I had many animal experiences that I knew was him. He sent
birds landing on me, wild rabbits running up to my feet and 2 does that would
run up to me while I worked in the garden…I found comfort in all of those
visits and still do. So message here is even though our loved ones are not
physically with us, what we carry and share with others of their earthly
presence, and their unique essence is what allows them to continue to exist in
spirit…….Ultimately their love is inside of us
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