Invisisble Walls of an Emotional Prison

Invisible walls of an emotional prison.

 How does one get to this point of feeling restrained by walls that cannot be seen? Not seen from the outsiders or even the person until one day the heaviness and weariness takes over that your energy and zest is gone only to be waking to the same feeling over and over and just waiting till an early sleep arrives once again at the end of the day. The life that one use to know appears only now in a  third person of the teenager that excelled in sports who  was feisty and didn’t take shit from anyone, to the 20 year old raising a child on her own with little help because she wanted to do it herself and to survive for her son. As the 30 year old that seemingly had it all together career, a good teenager and a nice life. To now the 40 year old that gets knocked over by the same type of stuff that she endured and kept getting back up and shaking the dust off and charging ahead with fire and furry and perseverance. How does one loose that part of their self that was once a fierce survivor?

Many factors really. It happens slowly and covertly that is unrecognizable until you hit the wall and look around asking yourself what is the purpose of it all. Tiredness that is so deep that sleep or rest will not cure anymore. Going through the day thinking why do anything much because in an instant it can be lost. The shakiness of the internal ground is so tenuous it suddenly feels like a battlefield with little armor and weaponry to fight off the enemy. But the enemy cannot be seen. What is the enemy? Who is the enemy? Not a person, or a concrete idea but you just know it is there waiting to steal your life or wreak havoc that is unsurvivable anymore. The fight within is getting tired. Just wanting to retreat and hide maybe to catch a breath. But retreat where or even how at this point is confusing and the point of hiding seems as if it will not help anyway. So the continual stagnation of living behind the walls in the combat zone just seems the only option out of fear. Yes fear is your enemy perhaps.

Still the question begs, “How does one get to this point?” Answer, little by little courage gets taken from you but not without your allowing it to be taken. At some point strength becomes no longer yours but is spread to many and is not returned. It was once said that it is ok to help someone but do not carry them all of the time or you too will become weak. That is how it has happened. Suddenly your life is not your own anymore but it is others  to use and rely on for strength and cleaning up the messes of none of your own making. Perhaps that is the answer whose messes are they? If they are not of our own why use our energy to fix them. Because their external life affects ours as well and you fight for them until YOU no longer exist for you but for those around. When you try to stand up for yourself you are hit with those walls in which that are not able to be seen but imprisons you further and now your weapons have been lost or replaced by weapons that are only good for fighting for the other person.

So now it is time for you to build a new arsenal of personal and emotional weaponry. To strengthen one’s own survival kit to endure, no not only endure but to move past those invisible walls that restrain us to live for ourselves. To learn once again that, that person who was fierce is still there but just needs to be found deep inside and unleashed to their new life. There is one thing that someone can never take away from us which is knowledge and experience. Those cannot be lost….Build your own life that no one can take……..but only the inevitability's of life’s occurrences……those things that we cannot control that we do not create will happen, but we will know that we can surpass them and still feel peace outside of the contraintedness of the invisible walls.

To Fight off the Cynicism: to live a life of joy.

Even though cynicism has a seductive appeal, it gets us really no where, except on the long road of bitterness and stagnation. One of those days that I must fight this off as life is full of unfairities and injustice. It is what we do with such atrocities that really count and turn them into strengths and many valuable lessons. Some lessons I have found appreciative, some I have a hard time emotionally digesting. I suppose we all need to remember some things in this life we are not meant to understand. Perhaps someday we will, but as for now to find comfort in the uncertainty of it all is of the utmost importance to maintain our serenity and the will to continue to breathe in this life we have been given. When we do this, slowly we can begin to find joy in those people and the earthly gifts we have been blessed with. Melancholy is only a temporary state until we heal our hearts and minds, and then we find ourselves being able to smile again, little by little............

A Survivor Not A Victim

 Was remembering what it feels like to be a fighter and survivor. Hadn’t thought of this in so long but over the last several weeks I have been compelled to make some changes in order to simplify my life. I was thinking yesterday about so many things that I have survived which of course ultimately surviving the loss of my son was by far the hardest of all of my challenges. And on some days it still becomes so heavy that I feel as though I cannot breath those all too familiar breaths of sadness anymore. But I do. And then the wave passes and once again I forge ahead. Sometimes stronger than other times but I keep my feet moving.

  So I was thinking about the time when Brad and I were living in Athens Ohio and I was going to college there and also working in the athletic department part time. I ran this path 3 days a week by the college and in some of the area of it there were trees that shielded it from the local highway. It never occurred to me that there was any danger there as I felt safe. On this one typical morning I was running I heard footsteps coming up behind me, I turned thinking it was a fellow runner as it was used quite frequently by bikers and runners. As I looked a man with an army jacket with a hood over his head and a red bandanna over his face came charging at me. He had a head start on me and I couldn’t out run him, as he tackled me dragging me down the hillside through briar's and branches as we landed on the edge of the Hocking River. I just remember pleading with him not to kill me as I had a 2 year old son and no one else could take care of him. He hit me repeatedly in the face and the side, then tying my hands behind my back, shoving dirty rags in my mouth. I knew then that may not survive as his bandanna had fallen and I saw his face. He was tugging at my clothes but kept looking up the hill as there were guys up there beginning to mow grass and were getting closer. All of a sudden he pulled out his knife cut the ropes and shoved me and said “get out of here”. I ran frantically in the direction of the mowers finally reaching them and ran directly to an older gentlemen whom grabbed and hugged me as I collapsed to the ground as he kept asking me what happened. Somehow in the midst of my hysteria I managed to tell him a man with a knife which was all I could manage to get out. It was he that drove me to the police department while a 17 year old young man held me as I cried inconsolably. When we arrived to the Nelsonville Police Department the young lady cop whom was there told them they could leave and she would take care of me. Her means of taking care of me were something that I would have never imagined. There was a young man there getting processed so she told me sit outside on the front steps and wait my turn. In shock I just did what she told me sitting on the steps bleeding, as then she commented to another cop “oh just another domestic violence case”. I had told her I was attacked while running but she didn’t believe me I suppose. What happened next is even more horrific. When it was finally my turn, as I had sat there for a while in so much pain as he had fractured some ribs and broke my facial bone, and was covered in deep scratches that were burning so badly in the sunlight she told me to come in. She said “go in the bathroom and clean up”. She questioned me but with surliness that I knew she didn’t believe me as I continued to adamantly tell her I did not have a boyfriend but was a single parent.     She then took a few pictures of my injuries and then asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I declined being in shock I suppose, and just told them to take me back to the college where my car was. I showered there as I didn’t want to scare my son when I picked him up from daycare. He was only 2 and half so I told him mommy got elbowed by accident while refereeing a basketball game.

  The next day I returned to class beat up and looking awful and was pulled in the dean’s office and asked well really told it wasn’t a good idea for me to be there until I healed because parents were coming in for visit week and it may concern them and pull their children out fearing there may be an attacker/rapist still out there. I declined and said I had to finish my finals. And I did. I didn’t tell my parents anything until a few days later because I did not want to worry them. Of course when I did my mom and my stepdad were there in just under a few hours. They took me to the sight where it happened. I was terrified. Frank found a few beer cans and cigarette butts where he had hidden and waited on me, proving he had been watching me for a while over the last few weeks learning my schedule. Down the path we found my head band I was wearing where he had tackled me. So it was obvious the police had not investigated still thinking it was a boyfriend, which I told them repeatedly I didn’t have one. My stepfather took the items to Police Department and they said they would look into it. A few days later an officer came to my door and terrified me even more by saying he probably knows where I live and since I saw his face he may come back to “permanently shut me up” as he put it……

  Well guess what in a very small portion of the newspaper it read “girl allegedly reports being assaulted”. I moved to Columbus in a week after that. Sadly, 5 months later a girl was raped and murdered on the same river and the assailant was never caught. That could have been me, but by the grace of God the attacker spared me.

  The reason I write this is because lately I  have been in such a low place thinking that I am so heavy and tired that at times I feel I can’t survive any more crisis and tragedies, but after reflecting back on that time I know that I am a strong survivor. And that nothing or no one can discourage me to keep doing what I want to accomplish in this life. Then I fought and survived for my son, and now I have to dig deep down and learn to survive for me and that little injured girl inside of me knowing that I will never let her down.

The Sacredness of Emotional Healing

  To find those things that which are sacred in life is the most honored forms of discovery and awakenings one can experience. To me there are but two choices in this life: embrace all or deflect and run. I have chosen the first. Not all of the time I have chosen to embrace but to escape as the pain was too great and my soul was too weary. Escaping is healthy if it is just for short respites and experienced  in a healthy way, such as reading, watching a movie or mindful meditation. It is when we continue to choose manners that are not spiritually whole that our psych becomes “sick”. I am an expert on choosing the ones that were not so good for me, but I guess I had to go through all of them in order to weed them out and begin to find and use the ones that are spiritually healthy.

  The funny thing is perhaps I am a slow learner or some of my attachments have been a little more difficult to “give up” if you will. As a young child I found remarkable ways in which to nurture myself and find comfort while being alone. It was my horses that gave me respite and a feeling of loving connection. I felt their spirits as so profound and their responsiveness to trauma so powerful. I have so many stories about horses in which that I have encountered in my life that have been abused or neglected, that it is difficult to choose just one. Not to mention all of the other animals that I have saved and corrected their instincts that humans are bad. Without going into to details here, I will just say I identified with animals that needed to be loved and I still do. Life happens to each and every one of us and we do the best we can under the circumstances in which that a lot of the time we have little control, but all we can do is survive.

  Someone once told me that all of those that I was saving were little Mari’s. For the first time in my life that resonated with me and I could put words to what happened inside of me when I did save and protect animals. It wasn’t until I learned ways to save myself that I truly began to live a more peaceful life. Saving other beings eventually catches up with us and if we do not begin to find ways to address what is inside of us that is damaged, we will spend our entire life chasing metaphors that temporarily covers our wounds with a thin bandage. It is when we look at those wounds for what they are, what they “really” are that is, and instill the healing that they need in order to recover, it is then the true in essence of the wound is discovered. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and diligence to work through all of the layers of the emotional wounds and then patiently wait for the granulation to begin. However, once healing begins the power of the wounds decrease and opens up more space for the richness that life has to offer.

  So many of our mistakes in this life are due to unresolved unhealed wounds that perhaps we are not even aware of but if we look closely there is usually a theme that continues repeating itself if we find ourselves sad and lonely. If we can step back, slow down and breathe, our focus can re-center itself and a new awareness can follow. We must do this a little at a time for changes to become permanent, for if we just blaze through ripping and tearing more damage occurs and the longer the healing process becomes. We do not necessarily want to go in and completely debride the wound but we want to slowly remove our emotional scar tissue while not disturbing the natural healing process that goes on at the same time. The challenge is finding the balance and someone to work with us patiently and without judgment.  Seek those that are lovingly compassionate and empathically in tuned to your needs. Allow yourself patience and self-forgiveness, and in return those will flow from you onto all sentient beings.  Live fully, love completely and laugh all of the way to your innards.

Moments: Gratitude and Awareness.

MOMENTS

  I often wonder how every year will unfold and how I will feel on days like today. I just don’t plan anything or want to be around too many people. I have learned that my solitude is so important and taking each moment as they come. I cannot allow myself to get into a rush as it brings up so much anxiety that it is physically painful. It feels like I have rushed and pushed myself my whole life and now I am not willing to do that anymore.

  Today is the seven year anniversary of Brad’s passing. I just allow these days to be what they are and embrace all of the feelings that come. No more escaping behaviors, no more just busying myself to not think but just allowing myself to “be”. I am sad but at the same time I am feeling the overwhelming sense of reverence for my son. This day feels different than the previous year anniversaries. The feeling of sacredness overcomes me and that I have the right to spend it the way I want or I should say the way I need to honor this day.

  Reflection is a big part of this day as I remember the sweet and funny stories of Brad. I awoke this morning sweating from a dream that I was having regarding some sense of anxiousness.  This spoke to me that I need to focus more on my inner spiritual life and practice more meditation techniques especially during times like this.  This reminds me of some lyrics to a song that I have been listening to in the last year. “After all of my running, I am finally coming home”….”the world tried to break me and I found the road to take me,,,,home”.  It has taken so much painstaking work to get where I am and I still have a lot of work to continue to do, but at least I have an idea now what this world is about. There are still days that I think, I cannot do this anymore” but fortunately those moments are fewer and do not last long, as they did in the beginning when I felt I couldn’t breathe another breath of sorrow.  I have found my new sense of my “inner” home and what my needs are in my inner life to instill  peace, happiness and joy.  I no longer feel I have to “fix” everything anymore and it is such a liberating experience, for the only person we are really fully responsible for is “ourselves”.

  So I will end by sharing a story of my son.   He was so humble and sensitive that I knew that not I but something more omnipresent  was responsible for his soul. It was when I started dating David when Brad was eight. From the first moments of David and I in the  beginning our relationship, David always included Brad and never ask me once to get a babysitter, but just said “bring Brad along”. This meant so much to me and I knew this man was special from the beginning. So one weekend before we were getting ready to go to Ashland to spend the weekend with David, Brad seemed to be anxious and pacing through our house wanting to say something to me.  Finally I stopped him and asked him what the matter was. He said so maturely, “mom, David is a lot older than you and if you guys get married, you will live longer than him and then you will be alone and sad.” Not quite knowing how to respond to this I thought for a moment and then responded with this. “Well, that is likely but what we have is now and we really don’t know what will happen in the future, and I try to live my life one day at a time.” I then went on to explain to him that I am a strong person and no matter what I will always be ok. This seemed to settle him and he never brought it up again, but instead lived the way I described one day at a time. David contributed so much in my son’s life that at times I feel  that I don’t tell him enough and I am so grateful to have shared my son’s life with him and we have  worked very hard to survive the tragic loss of Brad.

  I cannot say for sure that someday Brad and I will meet again, but what I can say is that he is still in my life on a spiritual basis and lives through me. My hope is that I can continue to weather out the sad times and take him with me on the rest of my journey through my life. It is he that taught me the essence of loving someone more than myself, and it is he that instilled in me the importance of self-love, compassion and courage.  For this day I find great comfort knowing that he is with me and I can still hear his voice….saying, “Mom.” Our earthly cord may have been severed but our spiritual cord is intact continuing the flow of unconditional love, today and always……..

To Brad, From Mom

TO BRAD, FROM MOM………………. 

  I believe that what we send out in the universe we get back. If we send out love in return we receive love, if we send out negativity then it again comes back to us. I just re-watched a movie that I saw five or six years ago shortly after Brad transitioned to his next life. It is called What the Bleep Do We Know. A nice reminder of how our mind and thoughts influence our lives and our ability to adjust them by having positive intentions.  And when we do “think positive” then positivity will manifest before our eyes. I have to admit here that, this weekend is going to be tough. On Sunday it will be seven years since my son left his physical body but it doesn’t feel that long since he was here with me. So many things have changed and occurred, but my heart still aches at times from missing him. Wondering what he would be doing in his life, if he would have children making me a grandmother and so on. I cannot allow myself to stay in those thoughts for long, as I feel my stomach tighten, my eyes tear up and that unwelcomed lump in my throat. It is too emotionally overwhelming. Instead I go to the place of gratitude for the memories that we have of him and his spiritual presence with me every moment of my life.

   So going back to sending love and peace out to the universe I feel moved to share a story of what happened yesterday while I was walking the dogs in the woods. After my uneventful berry picking, this time not getting chased by a protective momma dear, I took the dogs to the creek for their swim to cool off. As they did their “soak” one by one, I stood there talking to them as usual and told them they could go explore a bit but not for long. Yes I know I talk to them like they are my children and I guess in essence I am their human Mom.  I stood on the creek bed, listening to the sounds of nature and thinking how magnificent it all is and the balance of everything, when suddenly I heard a quiet rustling in the tall foliage near me. I turned to look and a little fawn came trotting down the bank coming directly towards me. I stood very still and it came right to my legs pausing momentarily and brushing up against me. Again I stood silent and still and sending out a protective loving feeling towards the little sweet creature. As I knew the dogs must have frightened it and I wanted to make sure he felt safe. He then walked slowly over to a small deluge between the creek beds and lay down under an area of brush.  Worried, I began to walk back towards the house calling gently for the dogs to follow. Well Momma Doe must have found the dogs first because here we go round two of one angry Momma chasing my four  dogs running towards me with the look of “help!” in their eyes. And out loud I said, “now this could get ugly” as I didn’t have a tractor to run to, nor are my tree climbing skills in check. My only defense I thought was raising my arms to appear big and scary. She stopped about 20 feet in front of me as I grabbed one of the dogs by the collar and  I made eye contact with the doe. She turned slowly and went back to check on her baby. It felt almost like we communicated to each other like “ok we got this now”.

  So what does this mean to me? To me it was just another reminder that because of my son, my internal essence of being a mother is still inside of me. I am still the protector of the vulnerable. I thought about this in depth on our walk back to the house. Something magically occurs it seems when significant dates arrive, like Brad’s birthday, Mother’s Day and so on that I know are “visits” if you will, from my son. Gifts from above as I call them and if we do not remain open and slow down we miss them. Every day I do something that connects me more fully with the universe through nature and my animals. To witness life as it goes on around me, and knowing that not only do I have the privilege to experience it but I also have the duty to share it so that others may be given the hope that “yes life is worth living and meant to enjoy”. I get this now adamantly for one of the first times in my life. Looking forward to many gifts and visits to come…..

Past Lives: How They Can Affect Our Ability to Love Others and Ourselves

 After recently reading the book A Dog’s Purpose, it has made me look at my animals and all sentient beings differently. It captures the essence of past lives in the sense that we are all products of our circumstances, experiences and people that have generated “our” inner and outer life. Perhaps in line with what the Buddhists term “past lives” doesn’t necessarily have one strict meaning as though we once lived as someone else, but those whom lived before us have sculpted us like a fine multi dynamic piece of art. I have heard the term “sins of our past” and have pondered upon that deeply in an esoterical sense rather than one of a religious nature.( ie. Meaning to me, the attitudes as well as emotional deficits of our family members that lived before us.)

  It is those things of my past ancestry that I have thought of by listening to stories from my parents about our family’s personalities, spirituality and inherited traits that have helped me discover “who I am.”  I have most recently become aware that we each have our own life to live for ourselves. To take a hold of the reins and guide ourselves into the direction that is a best “fit” for our passion and purpose. I have also watched children lately from a distance and observed each of their talents and personalities and knowing or having a good idea at least what they are going to accel at and this is when it is so important to cultivate those gifts not bestow upon them any negative criticisms.  Now if I have lost you already by now, hang on, as I will attempt to explain further.

  It is when our life begins to feel stagnant, joyless or boring as some use very loosely that we are not honoring ourselves and our unique gifts. I have heard even adults my age say, “I don’t know what my gifts are”. To me that is sad, and a valid awareness that they have been living their lives for other’s expectations and not their own.  How many of you have said “if I win the lottery everything will be so much better?”  My guess is we all have  but, have we really walked through it in our minds and thought it out completely? Sure our bills would go away and we would have our cost of living needs met but our spiritual needs and our personal needs of living a life to the fullest capacity of love would still be there waiting for attention.  Clearly money cannot provide us with our core of purpose, which takes a lot of inner work and self-discovery. I have said this before but I must say this again. The most important thing in this life is TO LOVE AND BE LOVED, for that is when our hearts are lifted and the emptiness resides.  When our hearts are empty it is then we try to fill it with other temporary means that fulfill us for a brief moment only to find ourselves sad and lonely when the newness or stimulating affect wears off. Our dopamine levels will elevate but are short lived, but what keeps those levels at a sustained rate resulting in complete inner happiness is love. And that is real love not the “honey moon” phase but the preciousness of unconditional accepting love.

  It warms us within and comforts us inevitably giving our lives the fulfillment that we all desire and deserve.  It is those things from our past that can keep us stuck  not allowing us to be open to give and receive love. Even those attitudes of our ancestors that have been passed down from generation to generation can and will affect us if we do not recognize those patterns for what they are, stuck or closed if you will.  So, we must get to work on our inner lives and forget so much about donning on those exercise clothes and running shoes but really look at our spiritual and emotional fitness as well. To live a life of balance of mind, body and spirit and incorporate that into our wholeness and purpose. Most importantly value and appreciate all of our loving connections, as those are  the fibers that holds us  together……..live well, laugh often and love much……..

We can not all do GREAT things but we can do GREAT small things.

  The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live......Borrowed  this from a friend on here………

This made me think of a transition that I went through about a year ago. Suddenly it occurred to me that if I was not living a life of joy and re-entering in this world I was not honoring the gift that I was given for having my son with me for the 19 years 5 months and 9 days on this earth.  The lessons that he taught me, the privilege of giving and receiving the love between a mother and son is beyond any gift that I have ever experienced in my life.   I do have momentary times in my heart when I do miss him terribly, but mostly I find myself smiling a lot more reminiscing of the funny times we shared, the amazing words that he said to me, like when he was 12 and told me that it was me he was writing a paper about in school of “Who he looked up to the most”, and the wisdom that he had at such a young age. I was more than blessed with him but absolutely just honored to have been given such a sweet soul

  . We had our moments like all of us parents have with our children of battles but they were all such lessons of growth.  I struggled greatly for over 5 years with this until one day I decided I can’t live like this anymore it is not doing his spiritual “existere” any honor or meaning. So I cleaned myself up and started a new life of my existence here and surged forward taking him with me. I do get it now, when someone told me that I must let him rest and share a new relationship with him in a spiritual essence. I do not go to the cemetery much, because when I do it bothers me and I feel him with me always, not there.

   I will try to explain as best as I can what this feels like now. It feels in any instance or moment I can feel his presence with me. What he would say about something that I am doing, something that I know that he and I would share a private joke about and the language that he and I had that only “we” truly understood. I guess you can say that he and I were team mates in life. I had him very young so we learned to survive this old world together……It is different now, as in the beginning I felt alone and abandoned, but now we are still together in spirit. He still sends me messages. Like yesterday I was bathing the pony in the wash pit which has gravel in it. I noticed something silver but I just thought it was a wrapper or something under the rocks. Until this beautiful black and white butterfly started fluttering around and landed on the silver thing. Well I was busy thinking about how unusual the butterfly was and that I don’t see many white and black ones and how brave it was just hanging out around the pony and me. As I studied the little creature it landed and then flew away. As I came closer to pick up the silver, I noticed it was my platinum and garnet ring. I was shocked it must have slipped off the last time I was bathing my horse and didn’t realize it. I bought this ring in honor of my son 4 years ago as his birthstone is garnet and Garnet was also my grandmother’s name. I would have never found that if it weren’t for the butterfly, so I knew immediately that was Brad still communicating with me. He told me once before he died that he could communicate with nature.

  Shortly after his death I had many animal experiences that I knew was him. He sent birds landing on me, wild rabbits running up to my feet and 2 does that would run up to me while I worked in the garden…I found comfort in all of those visits and still do. So message here is even though our loved ones are not physically with us, what we carry and share with others of their earthly presence, and their unique essence is what allows them to continue to exist in spirit…….Ultimately their love is inside of us

Reminders of Those that have Passed are Still With Us

  The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live......Borrowed  this from a friend on here………

This made me think of a transition that I went through about a year ago. Suddenly it occurred to me that if I was not living a life of joy and re-entering in this world I was not honoring the gift that I was given for having my son with me for the 19 years 5 months and 9 days on this earth.  The lessons that he taught me, the privilege of giving and receiving the love between a mother and son is beyond any gift that I have ever experienced in my life.   I do have momentary times in my heart when I do miss him terribly, but mostly I find myself smiling a lot more reminiscing of the funny times we shared, the amazing words that he said to me, like when he was 12 and told me that it was me he was writing a paper about in school of “Who he looked up to the most”, and the wisdom that he had at such a young age. I was more than blessed with him but absolutely just honored to have been given such a sweet soul

  . We had our moments like all of us parents have with our children of battles but they were all such lessons of growth.  I struggled greatly for over 5 years with this until one day I decided I can’t live like this anymore it is not doing his spiritual “existere” any honor or meaning. So I cleaned myself up and started a new life of my existence here and surged forward taking him with me. I do get it now, when someone told me that I must let him rest and share a new relationship with him in a spiritual essence. I do not go to the cemetery much, because when I do it bothers me and I feel him with me always, not there.

   I will try to explain as best as I can what this feels like now. It feels in any instance or moment I can feel his presence with me. What he would say about something that I am doing, something that I know that he and I would share a private joke about and the language that he and I had that only “we” truly understood. I guess you can say that he and I were team mates in life. I had him very young so we learned to survive this old world together……It is different now, as in the beginning I felt alone and abandoned, but now we are still together in spirit. He still sends me messages. Like yesterday I was bathing the pony in the wash pit which has gravel in it. I noticed something silver but I just thought it was a wrapper or something under the rocks. Until this beautiful black and white butterfly started fluttering around and landed on the silver thing. Well I was busy thinking about how unusual the butterfly was and that I don’t see many white and black ones and how brave it was just hanging out around the pony and me. As I studied the little creature it landed and then flew away. As I came closer to pick up the silver, I noticed it was my platinum and garnet ring. I was shocked it must have slipped off the last time I was bathing my horse and didn’t realize it. I bought this ring in honor of my son 4 years ago as his birthstone is garnet and Garnet was also my grandmother’s name. I would have never found that if it weren’t for the butterfly, so I knew immediately that was Brad still communicating with me. He told me once before he died that he could communicate with nature.

  Shortly after his death I had many animal experiences that I knew was him. He sent birds landing on me, wild rabbits running up to my feet and 2 does that would run up to me while I worked in the garden…I found comfort in all of those visits and still do. So message here is even though our loved ones are not physically with us, what we carry and share with others of their earthly presence, and their unique essence is what allows them to continue to exist in spirit…….Ultimately their love is inside of us

Spirituality: Allowing our Children to be Individuals

  I want to write about a recent memory and my story of how I came to believe in spirituality. I do not debate or argue with others on their beliefs because we each have our own. During my early 20’s I was raising my son whom was 4-8 years old. I have always been Catholic but this does not mean that I agree with everything in the church. Now, this is where I will probably lose some folks, but remember to each is their own. I had stopped going to church so much but would still go on occasion, but I was in a dilemma as to how to guide my son if I didn’t believe some of the things that were being taught. So instead I chose to instill an example to him of being kind and spiritual. It was also then that I began to study Buddhism. I taught my son the importance to being kind to all sentient beings and the universe as a whole. He would grasp this more than I would realize as later some of the things he would say to me would just stop me in my tracks. However, I knew that it was not truly I, but God that was responsible for his sweet soul. He told me once that he chose me to be his mother and it was I that he looked up to the most.

  Those words would stay with me and when things would get tough I would reflect on those words and know and have faith that something much greater was at work here. Little did I realize that his time would be short on this earth as he had other work to do in the next life. So after his death it propelled me into the world of wanting answers and meaning. After all of my running what I found was the answers were in my inner emotional home. I feel that inside of us we all want peace and joy, but somewhere along the way we get distracted by such things as the monetary world and power.

   His teenage years were amazing and at 15 he told me that he wanted to become part of the Catholic Church and begin catechism. His words exactly were, “mom our whole family is Catholic and I feel that is what I am supposed to do as well”. I was so moved that he came to this decision on his own without me forcing my beliefs down his throat as I shudder when I see parents doing this. You know the Amish do this and I look up to the Amish way of life as I have several friends in that community. I have spent hours speaking to them of their beliefs and philosophy and I am always amazed at their parenting. At 18 they allow their children to decide whether they want the Amish way or the English. They do not pressure them nor do they disown them but they allow them to be individuals. I only wish more parents were like this. So for those of you that may be struggling with teens, have faith and patience that they will find “their” way not yours.

   The best gift to give to our children is the gift of letting them think for themselves. At some point we must realize that we are powerless over our children and they are not “ours” to control but only arrows in which that we cast out into this universe. Bottom line take extra caution as to not pressure them but just love them no matter whom they choose to become. Luckily we live in a society of choices and many paths to enlightenment. We as parents will have a much better relationship with our children if we practice more acceptance and less of a need to control. Seek happiness today and always.

When Another Person Suffers: Holding Children Accountable

‎"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help." -Thich Naht Hahn- I borrowed this from a friend…I try to do this but at times my emotions get the better of me  and I fail miserably and take this as a personal attack. As in reality these people are hurting….This doesn’t mean that we have to accept and tolerate verbal abuse or allow them to speak hurtful words to us as we are not doing them any favors letting them get by with such.

   Teenagers are the ones most vulnerable to acting out behaviors because the pre-frontal cortex that is responsible for impulse control, empathy and reasoning is not completely formed yet. So it is up to us as adults to assist them in strengthening this part of their brains or they will become adults that will have a world of problems later with interpersonal and legal issues as well. Teenagers are naturally self-absorbed as they are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. It is an absolute need for them to have boundaries and to experience the consequences of their bad choices in order for them to become well-adjusted adults. It is tiring and brings about feelings for us as the adults of frustration, fear and helplessness, but if we keep in mind this too shall pass and we must remain steadfast in our efforts.      

  Consistency, consistency, consistency is a must. It sort of reminds me of when I have trained horses and ponies. One example here is letting them get by with something just once and then trust me they get the message that they can do it again, and they will……trust me. With the age of all of the technology, I have discovered that some of these gadgets are more of a weapon than a privilege. With the picture abilities and the texting they can be very hurtful to others. Kids like I said do not have the reasoning abilities yet and say and do things that are awful, let alone give them a device where they can be even more covert. I remember kids picking on my son and they did not even have cell phones back then, so I can only imagine the power and the impact that these things can do to a child’s life. It is like giving them a camera and microphone without supervision. And the stuff they can find on the Internet is scary. They know way too much now because of this stuff. It appears to me that they are viewing and saying things at such a young age that I didn’t even know about until I was in college and still then not so much.

  When I became a nurse good lord I was educated. So what do we do as parents when our children have begun such acting out behaviors? Well it’s time to put the brakes on and hang on for a bumpy ride. Even though they may seem to be rebelling it is unresolved anger about something much greater inside of them that needs to be addressed. These behaviors are just symptoms of something much greater that is going on inside of them. Rigorous honesty and limits must be instilled in them and the best way is to let them experience the consequences but not bail them out, and then they will think you will do it again. It is hard to see our children suffering and I for one know this all too well. I would have given my life for my son to get well, but that is not possible but I would have.  Life is hard enough for teenagers without any extra stress and issues…

  So I guess my message here is to just always let them know you love them and explain why rules are important. Instill empathy in them by your example of being kind and helping others. Volunteering is a great way to spend time with your children and a lesson of altruism they will never forget. Get them out of themselves for a moment and let them see that this world is a better place if we spend our time helping those that are less fortunate.….Practice loving kindness and good karma will come back to you and your children……Blessings and light to all. A helpful book for parents raising teens is “Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children” ,by Dan Goldman….he has a series for adults as well…I have read them all….

Mothering: The essence of life.

  Oh to write on Mother's Day is not so easy for me. I have done some soul searching on this matter so I have decided to express my feelings of the essence of being a mother and to be mothered. Mothering can be demonstrated by anyone whether female or male. I have been mothered on many occasions in my life not only by my mother who is an amazing women but also by many others, such as teachers, coaches, my therapist, my husband and friends. Some call it  nurturing but in a sense I feel it as mothering.
  Even if some us are not mothers we can still can mother in this life. Our nieces and nephews, cousins and so forth, even our extended family. As women, it tends to be easier for us to do so perhaps because it is more socially acceptable but I have seen some pretty amazing men in my life nurture their children just as well as women. I am usually caught in a state of awe when I see men taking such a huge role in their children's lives that  it is so monumental and extraordinary that I am so moved beyond words. As children this is what we need in order to thrive and grow and become healthy independent secure individuals. As long as a child has one strong primary attachment connection in their life they will always have the sense that life is meant to be loved and to love.
  My relationship with my son was one of an extraordinary experience. We grew up together in a sense and learned to survive this world together. It was he and I against the world if you will, and it was he that taught me the richness and fullness of life. I would have never known this if it wasn't for him. He was a wonderful spiritual child from day one and from the moment I had him I knew or I felt that my life was complete.
  So now what, some may ask since he is no longer physically  with me? Such a dynamic questions with such a multitude of answers. To put it simply, he gave me the gifts of hope and peace. Some may be confused by this as to how I can say this since he was here just a short time and did not leave behind any living children of his own, but yes he did leave me hope. Hope in the essence that this life is worth living because it is the loving connections between all sentient beings that only matter.
  It was my mother that taught me to be strong and instilled in me the importance of being sensitive and compassionate towards others. It was through her, I passed along this trait and semantic knowledge to my son. What she taught me was that all beings on this earth deserve to be protected and loved. I suppose, well I know that is why I care and save animals and it is why that I struggled so terribly when I could not save my son. The over sense of failure consumed me for so long after Brad passed that I could hardly breathe.  Somehow by the grace of God and those who loved me I did. To hear the words that "yes I was a good mother" slowly began to take over the feeling that "I had not done enough to try to save him" began to fade over time and now I just believe that I did everything I knew how to do and some things in this life are not meant to understand.
  So on this day of the year I cannot express that I am not sad or that it has gotten easier, but I can say that it has gotten different. I have to work hard on not allowing myself to slip down to that dark place that I was for so long, but to look ahead to what my purpose is while I am still living and breathing is where I must stay. To be thankful for all of the ones in my life that have "mothered" me so I can find the healing love that I need to continue to survive the loss of my son.
  WE can all be earthly mothers and provide a respite and sense of comfort and love to anyone in this world when they need an empathic heart and a kind set of eyes to see them and let them know that they are loved.
  Providence and light to all on this Mother's Day and may it be full of fond memories of all of those that have mothered you in your life and may you extend that essence on to those around you today and always.....

Healing our Heart: Excepting the Love in Our Lives that We Deserve.

  This picture reminds me of the importance of connections  and how it doesn't matter if we are physically different from others,  but it is what is in our hearts that counts in order to love and be loved. I feel that since the passing of my son I am so finely in tuned to what is inside a person now more so than ever. I don't have time to worry or even think about the materialism of life. There was a time that I did, to feel as if  I fit in I guess, but mostly I remember thinking I wanted to have nice things for my son.  For example, the cars that I drove, how we lived or the appearance of our home was important , because I was afraid that Brad would feel embarrassed or less.  But now I must say those things are not so important to me. Now I am not saying that I am not concerned with how I appear on the outside, because I do care that I am presentable. I am just not worried about others opinions. I am certainly not perfect in anyway, but most importantly I have learned to forgive myself and shed the guilt that once haunted me daily and took away my ability to be happy. If I allow those feelings of guilt back in I will sink back to the dark place that I almost didn't survive. What I have found and what I believe now is that "yes my life is important."
   I just see people's hearts and souls now and not so much the outside. I am drawn to kind empathic people and I need them now more than ever in my life. They touch my heart just by watching their sensitivity and compassion, and it is then my hope is restored for humanity and all sentient beings. I have heard on so many occasions over and over "people are awful" when there are examples of such bad behaviors in the news, media or even close to our communities However, I tend to believe there are more kind spiritual beings out there but we must remain open in order to see them.
  As children we are born innocent and openly desiring love, protection and nurturing.  It is when we are rejected or not protected that our overall healthy sense of entitlement and our worthiness of love is lacking . If this happens to us as children it begins to affect us negatively by wreaking havoc in our adult relationships.  If our first primary attachments in our lives are ones of  insecure natures and do not mirror to us our deserving love, we grow up thinking the world is not a safe place to live in  and we are therfor unlovable. Our lives are then put at risk for self loathing and self denigrating feelings and behaviors. We all have areas in our lives of vulnerabilities, even despite our parents best efforts, life still happens to each of us. It is our uniquely acquired vulnerabilities that create our specific needs which instills inside of  us the desire to seek out spiritual human connections. Someone once said to me  "we are at our best when we have someone in our life to share it with". I never really understood this until recently when I began to  look back on my entire life. Sadly if we have a partner that is lacking in their ability to love and be loved as well, the suffering is of such magnitude that a dull ache of longing continues to exist without moments of respite. And, it then the hard work begins in order to find ways to heal our wounds inside of us.
  The good new is that we can restructure this part of mind and heart to incorporate the "healing" kind of love that we all need. At first we must solely work on our inner life.  Mainly we must first practice loving kindness to ourselves and it is then we can really "take in" the love from someone else.  All of us no matter what mistakes we have made or even if we have deeply hurt others, we are still deserving of love and acceptance. An old saying that made me laugh once was "there is a lid for every pot." It is so true even if the lid is cracked and the pot has a leak, the fitting of the connection is what matters. I don't feel that we can have these connections only through marriage or exclusive partnerships, but we can also have them deeply in platonic spiritual experiences as well. It is when we find those that "really get us" as some say and validate us, that suddenly we do not feel so alone in this enormous and sometimes seemingly unfair world.
  I could write on and on about this but the main point I want to make is the most important existence in this life is to give and receive love to one another. Not to be confused with the honey moon phase of a relationship although that is an amazing feeling, but the deep love that remains a precious gift inside of us. Even though my son is not having his human existence anymore, I have inside of me my love for him and his love for me, today and for the rest of my life until I take in my last breath.
  Peace and abundant love now and always..........................

Healthy Connections: Allowing Yourself to Live the Life You Deserve.

    One of my favorite pictures of Brad and a moment that captivated his courage and strength...I feel my stomach tighten and the lump in my throat as I write this. I feel that the last year he has truly sent me earthly angels of reconnection with old friends and also some new found connections with kindred spirits. He works a little of his magic everyday and subtle reminders of fond memories that give me hope that my life will continue with new found happiness and peace.

  I suppose the most important lesson that I have learned is to take care of myself in ways that I never knew how. To be extra kind to myself by setting boundaries and maintaining peace in my life and experiencing the joy that God wants all of us to feel in this life. It has been tiring and taxing and stressful at times to work hard to keep the joy stealers and the experiences that rob me of my peace but I feel with the strength of my son up there he is still placing the right people in my life....Ones that are sensitive to my needs and not take from me without offering their empathy and compassion.   

  That is what I need from others is to be considerate and kind not to understand fully but at least to try to understand what it has felt like for me in the last 7 years..I am forever grateful to all of my new and old friends that have given me a new outlet and outreach in my life...I look forward everyday to the laughs, to the support and the camaraderie of others... ..The wonderful connections of others have richly and warmly improved my life beyond one can even begin to imagine. Brad would be 26 now and with Mothers Day approaching I find myself having some anxiety. I just want that day to be peaceful without demands or drama.  As of now all I want is peace.

  I have noticed recently that my writing themes have been mostly about peace and less chaos and taking care of myself in ways that I never knew how before. I feel that the lesson for me here is to allow myself to have a healthy sense of entitlement as we all deserve. I always felt like I had to put everyone else first or I was consumed with guilt. I felt this sense of unworthiness almost my whole life but when my son was alive I felt worthy when I had Brad here with me because he was such an amazing child and I was comfortable just basking in his spotlight.

  When he was gone I had no idea how to even be "me" without a child here on this earth. It has taken a long time and a tremendous amount of soul searching and learning to protect myself the way I always protected my son and that is hard to do when you feel undeserving, but I have re-invented that part of myself. 

  As of now, I just continue to wake up every morning and make choices that will result in the direction I want my life to go.  So with that, I just want to thank my son, for teaching me what it feels like to be loved like a mother and to love as a mother......Blessings and Light to All.......

Protecting Our Spiritual and Emotional Well Being: Allowing those that have passed to live through us.

    It can be terribly difficult to deal with selfish unempathic individuals, but in order to be spiritually fit we must find ways to practice self-preservation.  It is those types of people that can leave us feeling drained, weary and even start beginning to believe their over sense of self importance. The conversations always are seemingly about them and they rarely ask about you. It becomes quite apparent when you begin to feel yourself feeling annoyed and questioning "why do I even answer the phone or talk to them because all they really need or desire is an audience?"

  Sadly these folks have serious self-esteem issues and need constant validation from others. It can be exhausting for the person who just merely listens and gives away their time for the others          self-indulgent behaviors. We are not doing them any favors here if we are not honest about how this is affecting us.  The bottom line is, our time is precious as well and in order to really honor ourselves we must be fully aware of our own needs as well. We are the only ones that can accurately protect our specific needs and demonstrate and communicate them to the ones around us. Now I am not talking about listening to someone that is in a vulnerable state, but I am speaking of those that are constantly in chaos and ranting on and on about closely related issues that they can’t seem to recognize a solution even if you give them one.

   After the loss of my son, I am more sensitive to such matters of this. I can no longer tolerate such behaviors or I immediately become weary and I am not at my best. I am out of balance and begin to sink once again into sadness and unfortunately some of my old self-loathing behaviors start to rare their ugly heads.  I cannot afford this anymore. I need all of my energy to survive the loss of my son and feel well. When we suffer such a loss, the feeling is of such magnitude of darkness and grief that we don’t feel there is an adequate word that can describe this experience adamantly enough.  Sometimes when I write of such things as this I do worry about ostracizing those of my friends and families around me so I want to make it clear that this is not my intention. However what I am saying here is the extreme person that on occassion that I have encountered and immediately have recognized this is not a good fit for me. But, not the typical person that just needs an ear or a kind heart that will listen and emotionally hold them when they need such support. I am comfortable with helping others but at the same time I have to be honest and also protect myself from becoming too weary.

  The key to this is communication and honesty. We cannot be afraid of hurting their feelings because they too have their own lessons to learn.  If we are not honest then we are sacrificing our own feelings and we will become as sure as I am writing this, emotionally and spiritually sick. This is why I have to say if we are going to continue to not only survive but to really live a life that is fulfilling and passionate  and with purpose,  we must take care of ourselves first. It is then we can  benefit others and hold “our” light so those around us can learn to take care of themselves as well…What will you do today to take care of your personal unique set of needs and feelings? Just imagine if more folks would do this, how peaceful and balanced and less chaotic all of our lives could be. It is not necessary or even healthy to be a martyr, but what is important is to be happy, joyous and free and live a life that would make those that have passed before us to be smiling down on us knowing that we are happy…… It is” we” that are living this earthly life that can allow those that have passed to live through us in a spiritual sense  and continue on to give the gifts that they gave to us while having their human experience.   Remember “ We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but we are spiritual beings having a human experience”. ..unknown.

Practice Loving Kindness and Acceptance: Plant the Seeds that Will Continue to Grow.

  It has been said that the best way to breed less prejudice and less content is to practice loving compassion and acts of kindness especially towards those that appear differently.  I have always, since I can remember had connection to those that are more vulnerable either people or animals. Especially since the loss of my son that I have even become more sensitive to those that are hurting or that have been through something tragic in their lives.  I can immediately sense this now because I have chosen to slow down and really take everything in and connect with people.

  It is the small things in which  that we do that can make someone’s day a little brighter and perhaps help them begin to feel like this old world really is not that bad after all. It doesn’t matter where we are, we can make a difference. It can be at the grocery store, the gas station or just passing on the streets that the difference that a smile or a “hello” can lift someone. Too many times I see people just flying through life not even aware of their surroundings. Chasing that American dream and forgetting what life really means which is connections and empathy towards others.

  When we are raising our children or have children in our lives that even may not be ours, we as the adults can plant the seeds of empathy, compassion and self-reliance. A healthy sense of entitlement is so important for a child to feel, not an over sense of entitlement or lack of entitlement or self-loathing.  This is a tricky balance but we as the adults can set the examples.

  A story that I can provide as an example is when my son was 4. We were at this little store and I looked across the street after hearing this crash that sounded like a bunch of crushing cans. Well that is sort of what it was. A homeless man was pushing a cart full of aluminum cans and it turned over spilling all of them. He was older and feeble, so I looked at Brad and said “come on lets go help him.”  So we did. I remember his little hands picking the cans up one at a time and the man saying over and over “thank you” and “God bless you”. The man smiled and shook my son’s hand and we went on about our day. Brad asked me questions as to why he was pushing a cart with cans and why his clothes were dirty. So this is how I explained it.  I told him that some people in this life have it harder than others. Sometimes there are people that are sick and cannot get the help they need because there are too many others that need help too. So it up to people like us that have a “good” life to help those that do not. And then maybe by what we did today more people will begin to do the same. He was quiet for a few moments as I knew he was thinking about what I had said.  Then with a sweet little voice, he said “l like helping people it makes them happy.” I said “exactly.”   I always just taught him kindness without preaching and telling him stories, but by actual demonstrations of helping those in need. It was when he was 15 that I knew it must have reached inward to him as he chose  St. Nicholas for his conformation name. He came to me and said, “ I like St. Nicholas because he is the saint of giving, and when I give to others that is when I am the happiest.”  Words cannot describe what I felt as a mother that day, but with humility I knew that I was not the only one responsible for this, but also The Divine above.

 Be a light to others and plant some seeds that will cultivate the root systems of loving kindness and acceptance of others.  What will continue to manifest is a continual spread of a loving vine that will wrap around others and offer peace, hope and love that will begin to cover up prejudice, hate and malcontent.

The Courage to Know Yourself: Finding the Path to Add More Love in Your Life.

    

  It is when something in life shakes us to the core that we step back and re-evaluate what "our" purpose in life truly means for us. In the early months after the loss of my son, I remember a profound moment as I was in California at a retreat climbing up a big hill to go to my next session. It is that flash bulb moment that I stopped and felt where I was. I immediately realized that I was approaching this horrificly heavy time in my life as I have done with other issues. I had my book bag on my back, hiking up this hill to class in search of understanding. I was trying to survive this because I couldn't even begin to fathom what in the world or how in the world I was going to survive without my son.....I have heard on so many occassions "if something happened to my child, they might as well bury me too". First I want to say how that affects those of us that have lost children when we hear someone else say that. In my case, I immediately felt, well they think that I didnt love my child enough because I am still here living and breathing. Trust me on many occassions I did not feel like doing so. I even had moments when I wanted the pain to end that I not only contemplated taking my life, but actually took steps to complete it. For a reason that I can only contribute to divine intervention or coincidence, I had someone that called me to check in. I just wanted to stop hurting so badly that I would have done anything to just "not feel" for even one moment.

    Once we get through the mindless wondering and continueing to look for a child as if they are still on this earth, we come to a place of why are "we" still here? Or atleast this is my experience. Even if we are shaken by the fear of losing our own life, something happens. We can either be bitter and angry or we can try to find the gifts that come along with it. A newer sense of grattitude for the moments that we still have here with our loved ones. Life begins to take on a newer preciousness of meaning, because as we have learned it can change in an instant.

   I now do not put off doing something that I have always wanted to do. The "someday I will do that" has turned into I am doing this now. I cherish even the small gifts in this life of just mere kindred connections with others. To feel worthy to give and receive the love that is our God given right as a living being. It is that feeling in our heart and in our inner spiritual world that we feel that touches us and warms our spirits. If we are not receiving enough love in our lives we become spiritually weak. In order for us to experience this we also must look deeply in our hearts to make sure we have not built thick walls to not allow love in for fear of being hurt. The first key to this is getting to know yourself first and learning to trust that you can take care of yourself when your heart gets broken. I can say it is possible to heal from this fear, as I use to have walls of such thick mortor that I let no one in except my son. So you can imagine the pain when the one person in my life, chose to take his life. It felt like he chose to leave me. I now know differently.

   Take time to look under all of the bushes in your life and get to know who you are and where some of those old schemas are coming from...It takes courage and patients but what you come away with is a new feeling of self reliance and being able to trust your inner feelings......

                                                          Peace and Light to All.........

Honoring Your True Self, Withstanding the Winds of Time

  We do not have to look far to see the amazing palate of beauty around us. I remember when in the earliest days after the loss of my son, how unsteady I felt and my lack of ability to see any beauty. Even on warm sunny days what I felt and what I saw was cold darkness. The air felt thick and my world was so dark that I had the sense of falling every waking hour......
  Over the years, I have encountered folks that would say, well I have had loss in my life, but nothing compares to what you have lost. I would say "but it is the worst loss you have had and it is painful." Any loss is painful whether it be a death, a divorce, loss of long time job, loss of youth or just plain loss of feeling joy and happiness. This is where we as humans are connected. We have all experienced losing something. That feeling in the pit of our stomachs of internal sickness. Our heart hurts and we think that the tears will never end, but they will.  I remember on so many days saying out loud "I don't want to do this anymore or I can't do this.". But somehow through grace and those amazing people around me I survived. I have been asked if I ever went to support groups, but I did not. I just had the blessings of the right people at the right time in my life...See I am an introvert, and I do best with just one or two people around me. I have never felt overly comfortable in large groups that is why I drank to feel like I fit in and to be sociable but really that is not who I am. Once I realized this, the stress of feeling obligated or guilty left me.
  We must truly honor ourselves and in return it will teach others how to honor us as well. My whole life I have found myself participating in things that really wasn't for me but I did because I just thought that is what we are suppose to do, but that is not true at all. I was a yes person, for fear of hurting others feelings but now I can be honest and say no if it is not good for my overall well being.
Now we will all have to do things in this life that we do not like, that is not what I am saying here but what we can do is speculate if it is part of our true inner being and decide if we are honoring ourselves or the other person wishes.  A good way to discover if we are paying attention to our specific needs is examine how we feel on a daily basis. If I begin to feel emotionally weary and physically heavy I know that I am out of balance. I am not taking care of myself and I have once again began to carry others. This is not good for me at all. I then immediately go into some self loathing thoughts and go directly to "is this life worth living." I can't afford to do this anymore or I will sink fast and hard.
  So what do I mean by all of this? So many of us are constantly focusing and worrying about what others are doing or how we can help others especially those of us in the health care field, it is in our nature because that is what we do in our work. It can be difficult to transition from that mode but we must. I can immediately read others faces now and tell whether or not they are balanced.  I can do this because I would look in the mirror almost everyday and I did not recognize my face anymore from being weary. WE all learn by example as far back as when we first started mirroring the expression of our parents faces as babies. If we want those around us to be emotionally and physically healthy we must first start with us. I use the example all of the time as what I have told our employees. What I tell them is "when you walk out of this office and for some reason you cannot return to work, someone should be able to come in here and pick up pretty close to where you left off." WE cannot predict what will happen tomorrow but what we can do is be prepared if we cease to exist or become disabled mentally or physically.   In life we must focus on cross training others so they too can take with them our example of living a happy life and taking care of their own personal needs. I have seen over and over the legacy of creating dependents go through generation after generation. Co-dependent personalities that are so toxic and contagious that they will never know true happiness or genuine peace, which is so tragic.Their nervous systems are always on the reactive mode instead of being pro active.
  What example can you set today that will transfer positively to another? Do you want the ones around you to be dependent or independent? Once you start taking care of yourself it will spread to the ones closely around you and the roots start to strengthen and grow. Like the tree in the picture above what you see above the ground are strong branches, but what you don't see, but know that is there is the strong root system nourishing and providing stability so the tree can withstand the winds of time. Find "your" root system so you too can survive all of the eliments that you will encounter in this life and remain standing strong providing respite and hope for all beings around you........

Reflections of Easter Season Living Beside the Loss of My Son

During this season of Easter I always reflect on Mary and her love for her son and how she endured the agony of watching her son helplessly as he was persecuted and crucified by the Romans and drew his last breath with her love and presence by his side. As the story goes it was the women who stayed during the entire process but the men fled from the town with shock and terror. I read this once at ...a convent that I was staying at in Melbourne Kentucky. It was at a time when I would go there and find respite being surrounded by wonderful women that truly cared for me and comforted me just by their mere presence. On a comedic aspect they tried to recruit me even though I was married. They said “so some of us have been married”. That was their way of making me feel welcome. I even on some occasions, found myself fixing things like leaky faucets, squeaky doors and other little maintenance items until one of the sisters handed me an application. Lol. On the reflection of Mary, it was during the earliest days, months and years after the loss of my son that I was drawn to her. She would come to me in my dreams and inspired many of my early Mandala works. It didn’t really imbue in me until I was in Rome at the Vatican and saw the powerful work of art by Michelangelo, the Piata. As I approached and began gazing at the magnificent piece, I found my focus drawn to Mary’s face, it was then I realized the resonating connection. I felt her pain and I had to look away. It was too much at once as I knew the exact feeling of holding my son on my lap after he died. It is beyond words to describe as I have tried so many times but is a feeling that only a mother that has lost a child knows. I don’t even try anymore as I have not discovered any words that remotely come close. It was Mary’s spiritual connection that carried me on my heavy darkest of nights, when I couldn’t breathe another breath of sorrow. I knew that she survived and so must I and it was her that was with me. My dreams of her were warm and light as every essence of my soul was encircled by her love the way I too loved my son. My son was persecuted by voices caused by an illness that ultimately took him from me on June 10, 2005. So now I too have found a new way of having a spiritual relationship with my son knowing that he is at peace from the demons that tortured him like the Romans tortured Christ, he will suffer no more. Yes…..I miss him every day and the thought of living the rest of my life without him here is daunting to I must stay into today. Eventually my days turned into weeks, months and finally years that I learned how to not only just survive this life, but truly live now. It was my son who taught me what love, grace and courage really is and in order fully live a life of purpose and meaning. So on this Easter I am overcome by such gratitude for the sacrifice of Christ for our lives and the gift of having my son for the time that he was here. Without Brad, I would not be even remotely as to who I have become today. Thank you Brad for your life, your love and your sweet soul. I will wait patiently all the days of my life until we meet again………

Akeru: To Open, To Unwrap To Bring Light, New Beginnings.

 I have used the word Akeru on several occasions throughout my writings but until recently I wasn't able to really grasp the true meaning of this word. It means:
AKERU: To open, to unwrap, to empty, to clear out, to make space, to start, to dawn, to bring light and to make room for new beginnings.
It was early on after the loss of my son that I discovered this word in one of my books that I was diligently reading trying to figure out how I was going to survive the loss of my son. To me it immediately resonated because I had this huge hole in my heart, an emptiness that I thought that ultimately I would die from by not being able to even breath on most days. It hurt to live and every nerve in my body was on fire. My chest was heavy, my mind was uncontrollably racing and as the days went by I would continue to look for my child the way I have witnessed some of my animals when their young died at birth.I found myself sitting on the couch looking down the driveway waiting for his car to pull in and the sound of his music thumping in the background. But he never came. I knew that I must fill this place in my heart with something, so I tried so hard for about a year at everything until one day I just collapsed with weary sadness and realized that I would never feel the same again without him in my physical life.
  When one loses a child, every part of our being is on the front line. What I mean by this is all of the healthy coping mechanisms are there, but so are all of the unhealthy ones. Your true personality is at its height and your vulnerabilities are raging. It feels like your soul has been ripped wide open and the smallest of things hit you like a tsunami and knocks you so far down that you find yourself gasping for breath. I use to work with pulmonary patients and a repeated phrase they would use was "it feels like you never know if your next breath will come". THAT is the way I felt everyday for so long I just didn't even want to attempt to live most days, but I did.
  Somehow by the grace of God and the universe I slowly pulled out of the nose dive that I was in, and began to see some light. During my days I have looked back now and realized that I had returned to most of the things that I did as a child to self soothe and survive heartache. My animals, art, spending time in nature and above all asking for help from my therapist. I knew that during this life tragedy I needed some help with direction and clarity. What I can say is the most important lesson that she taught me was to forgive myself and to have self compassion. This took awhile and was painful but I had to go way back to my earliest years and work through all my "stuff" that was keeping me stuck. And oh how I was stuck. God I worked hard on this one and Pema Chodron a Buddhist nun has a series on Getting Unstuck, which is also helpful, but the majority of it was unraveled "on the couch" as some say.....therapy.
  Most recently I have captured the inner strength to look towards new beginnings. I am back in school for a second career and I am expected to graduate in May of 2013. It seems inconceivable for me to see this so close and I can't even imagine the feeling that I will have after this accomplishment. But this is not only my accomplishment, but first of all the strength and the grace is to God for delivering me through this transition. And secondly, the support, kindness and great compassion that all of the people in my life surrounded me with even through my darkest of times.....a forever grateful thank you and reverence I will always carry inside of me for their tireless efforts and love. Lastly, I want to thank my son, Brad, for teaching me so many lessons and giving me the gift of being an earthly mother. Providence and light to all today and always...........

Magical Horses Healing Our Souls

 I have worked with horses all of my life. Not so much on a training basis but on a spiritual basis of connection. They always fascinated me as a child and as far back as I can remember I became so connected to them as early as three years old. I was mesmerized by them. I use to sneak out in the pastures and just "be" with them. I never really thought about this until most recently as to why they drew me into their world. What I have discovered is that they are such incredible beings. They have feelings just as we, but do not have the advantage as humans to be able to speak. However, I have learned to be able to read their eyes and their body movements. I now understand why as even a child I have been fascinated by their presence. It is their massive bodies but yet gentle souls that they have unless they have been abused. Horses respond adversely for just two reasons; fear and pain. They are prey animals and at the bottom of the food chain as they are vegetarians. It absolutely pains me so deep when I see these magical creatures that have been abused. I identified with these animals as a child and loved and felt cared for when they would carry me on their backs. I still feel this comfort to this day. The way they take care of me and protect me when we are riding on trails. Now not all horses are like this but if they are treated correctly they will do this.
  A story of how intuitive horses really are, is one of the days shortly after the passing of my son. My son Brad once told me a few months before he died that my big horse Buster did not like to have all of the lights out in the barn at night...His words, "Mom, Buster doesn't like being in the dark." I knew then that my son had the gift that I had of really reading animals. Unfortunately his mental illness took him from me a few weeks later. I then began to leave the tack room light on for Buster and noticed that he hadn't paced all night in the stall.
  Once when I was in the barn letting the horses out, I lead Buster to the back door to the wide open green pasture which all of the other horses and ponies would just fly out the door to get the first bite. Not Buster, as he walked out turned around to me and I was crying and feeling so sad that day and weary missing Brad, that when I stood next to his neck, Buster bent his neck around and squeezed me to his shoulder. He held me there for about thirty seconds while I sobbed inconsolably. After that moment I never looked at horses the same way. When I was sad Buster was sad and I could tell. He was quieter and moved slower as trying not to upset me even more.
  As I wrote this, I teared up thinking about that day and how I still miss my son so much at times. But, knowing that he is at peace and not being haunted by his illness brings me comfort.
  Fly with the angels Brad and ride some of those magical angelic horses that are there with you. Thank you for being my sun/son and giving me the gift of unconditional motherly love...Always in my heart until we meet again........Love Mom.