Invisible walls of an emotional prison.
How does one get to
this point of feeling restrained by walls that cannot be seen? Not seen from
the outsiders or even the person until one day the heaviness and weariness
takes over that your energy and zest is gone only to be waking to the same
feeling over and over and just waiting till an early sleep arrives once again
at the end of the day. The life that one use to know appears only now in a third person of the teenager that excelled in
sports who was feisty and didn’t take
shit from anyone, to the 20 year old raising a child on her own with little
help because she wanted to do it herself and to survive for her son. As the 30
year old that seemingly had it all together career, a good teenager and a nice
life. To now the 40 year old that gets knocked over by the same type of stuff
that she endured and kept getting back up and shaking the dust off and charging
ahead with fire and furry and perseverance. How does one loose that part of
their self that was once a fierce survivor?
Many factors really. It happens slowly and covertly that is
unrecognizable until you hit the wall and look around asking yourself what is
the purpose of it all. Tiredness that is so deep that sleep or rest will not
cure anymore. Going through the day thinking why do anything much because in an
instant it can be lost. The shakiness of the internal ground is so tenuous it
suddenly feels like a battlefield with little armor and weaponry to fight off
the enemy. But the enemy cannot be seen. What is the enemy? Who is the enemy?
Not a person, or a concrete idea but you just know it is there waiting to steal
your life or wreak havoc that is unsurvivable anymore. The fight within is
getting tired. Just wanting to retreat and hide maybe to catch a breath. But
retreat where or even how at this point is confusing and the point of hiding
seems as if it will not help anyway. So the continual stagnation of living
behind the walls in the combat zone just seems the only option out of fear. Yes
fear is your enemy perhaps.
Still the question begs, “How does one get to this point?”
Answer, little by little courage gets taken from you but not without your
allowing it to be taken. At some point strength becomes no longer yours but is
spread to many and is not returned. It was once said that it is ok to help
someone but do not carry them all of the time or you too will become weak. That
is how it has happened. Suddenly your life is not your own anymore but it is
others to use and rely on for strength
and cleaning up the messes of none of your own making. Perhaps that is the
answer whose messes are they? If they are not of our own why use our energy to
fix them. Because their external life affects ours as well and you fight for
them until YOU no longer exist for you but for those around. When you try to
stand up for yourself you are hit with those walls in which that are not able
to be seen but imprisons you further and now your weapons have been lost or
replaced by weapons that are only good for fighting for the other person.
So now it is time for you to build a new arsenal of personal
and emotional weaponry. To strengthen one’s own survival kit to endure, no not
only endure but to move past those invisible walls that restrain us to live for
ourselves. To learn once again that, that person who was fierce is still there
but just needs to be found deep inside and unleashed to their new life. There
is one thing that someone can never take away from us which is knowledge and
experience. Those cannot be lost….Build your own life that no one can
take……..but only the inevitability's of life’s occurrences……those things that we
cannot control that we do not create will happen, but we will know that we can
surpass them and still feel peace outside of the contraintedness of the
invisible walls.
