I have used the word Akeru on several occasions throughout my writings but until recently I wasn't able to really grasp the true meaning of this word. It means:
AKERU: To open, to unwrap, to empty, to clear out, to make space, to start, to dawn, to bring light and to make room for new beginnings.
It was early on after the loss of my son that I discovered this word in one of my books that I was diligently reading trying to figure out how I was going to survive the loss of my son. To me it immediately resonated because I had this huge hole in my heart, an emptiness that I thought that ultimately I would die from by not being able to even breath on most days. It hurt to live and every nerve in my body was on fire. My chest was heavy, my mind was uncontrollably racing and as the days went by I would continue to look for my child the way I have witnessed some of my animals when their young died at birth.I found myself sitting on the couch looking down the driveway waiting for his car to pull in and the sound of his music thumping in the background. But he never came. I knew that I must fill this place in my heart with something, so I tried so hard for about a year at everything until one day I just collapsed with weary sadness and realized that I would never feel the same again without him in my physical life.
When one loses a child, every part of our being is on the front line. What I mean by this is all of the healthy coping mechanisms are there, but so are all of the unhealthy ones. Your true personality is at its height and your vulnerabilities are raging. It feels like your soul has been ripped wide open and the smallest of things hit you like a tsunami and knocks you so far down that you find yourself gasping for breath. I use to work with pulmonary patients and a repeated phrase they would use was "it feels like you never know if your next breath will come". THAT is the way I felt everyday for so long I just didn't even want to attempt to live most days, but I did.
Somehow by the grace of God and the universe I slowly pulled out of the nose dive that I was in, and began to see some light. During my days I have looked back now and realized that I had returned to most of the things that I did as a child to self soothe and survive heartache. My animals, art, spending time in nature and above all asking for help from my therapist. I knew that during this life tragedy I needed some help with direction and clarity. What I can say is the most important lesson that she taught me was to forgive myself and to have self compassion. This took awhile and was painful but I had to go way back to my earliest years and work through all my "stuff" that was keeping me stuck. And oh how I was stuck. God I worked hard on this one and Pema Chodron a Buddhist nun has a series on Getting Unstuck, which is also helpful, but the majority of it was unraveled "on the couch" as some say.....therapy.
Most recently I have captured the inner strength to look towards new beginnings. I am back in school for a second career and I am expected to graduate in May of 2013. It seems inconceivable for me to see this so close and I can't even imagine the feeling that I will have after this accomplishment. But this is not only my accomplishment, but first of all the strength and the grace is to God for delivering me through this transition. And secondly, the support, kindness and great compassion that all of the people in my life surrounded me with even through my darkest of times.....a forever grateful thank you and reverence I will always carry inside of me for their tireless efforts and love. Lastly, I want to thank my son, Brad, for teaching me so many lessons and giving me the gift of being an earthly mother. Providence and light to all today and always...........
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