Returning To Our Inner Core

• I have heard as so many others have said "If I win the lottery, I would........" I had a lot of time last week while on a business trip with my husband of solitude and reflection, in which I desperately needed I might add, to think. (no comments from the peanut gallery on the smoke coming out of my head either Phillip Massie lol).
     On a more serious note, I was thinking about the things that I would change in my life if money were not an object. I have traveled some to other countries, went back to school delved deeply back into some of the things that I did when I was younger like showing horses and so on. Interestingly I could not think of anything that I would change much except taking better care of myself and being generous to others that I care about. The sad thing is that throwing money at folks including ourselves doesn't solve our inner emptiness and problems. Sounds cliché I know but it is true.

•    Something much more valuable comes when we have to forge ahead and overcome things in our lives which to me is humility and empathy......The word gluttony comes to mind when I think of those that we see in the media that are extremely wealthy. Not all of course, but when you hear of someone having a 2 grand toilet seat. I suppose my nature will always be the same as I love to help people. To wind this down as I was out of town, I was sitting outside a building feeling anxious and uneasy as to what is missing in my life. While sitting there, a car pulled up in front of me and an older man was letting his wife out of the car. As she got out, he handed her a walker. I watched thinking, this is what life is about helping others and being in the moment to see such caring for each other. I stood up and opened the door for her, as she said "Thank you young lady, I just got a new knee." We both smiled at each other as I said "good for you now you can really go shopping." She laughed.
     I need to get back into my career, nursing or mental health, whatever my path may lead. I miss the interaction with others on this level.

Invisisble Walls of an Emotional Prison

Invisible walls of an emotional prison.

 How does one get to this point of feeling restrained by walls that cannot be seen? Not seen from the outsiders or even the person until one day the heaviness and weariness takes over that your energy and zest is gone only to be waking to the same feeling over and over and just waiting till an early sleep arrives once again at the end of the day. The life that one use to know appears only now in a  third person of the teenager that excelled in sports who  was feisty and didn’t take shit from anyone, to the 20 year old raising a child on her own with little help because she wanted to do it herself and to survive for her son. As the 30 year old that seemingly had it all together career, a good teenager and a nice life. To now the 40 year old that gets knocked over by the same type of stuff that she endured and kept getting back up and shaking the dust off and charging ahead with fire and furry and perseverance. How does one loose that part of their self that was once a fierce survivor?

Many factors really. It happens slowly and covertly that is unrecognizable until you hit the wall and look around asking yourself what is the purpose of it all. Tiredness that is so deep that sleep or rest will not cure anymore. Going through the day thinking why do anything much because in an instant it can be lost. The shakiness of the internal ground is so tenuous it suddenly feels like a battlefield with little armor and weaponry to fight off the enemy. But the enemy cannot be seen. What is the enemy? Who is the enemy? Not a person, or a concrete idea but you just know it is there waiting to steal your life or wreak havoc that is unsurvivable anymore. The fight within is getting tired. Just wanting to retreat and hide maybe to catch a breath. But retreat where or even how at this point is confusing and the point of hiding seems as if it will not help anyway. So the continual stagnation of living behind the walls in the combat zone just seems the only option out of fear. Yes fear is your enemy perhaps.

Still the question begs, “How does one get to this point?” Answer, little by little courage gets taken from you but not without your allowing it to be taken. At some point strength becomes no longer yours but is spread to many and is not returned. It was once said that it is ok to help someone but do not carry them all of the time or you too will become weak. That is how it has happened. Suddenly your life is not your own anymore but it is others  to use and rely on for strength and cleaning up the messes of none of your own making. Perhaps that is the answer whose messes are they? If they are not of our own why use our energy to fix them. Because their external life affects ours as well and you fight for them until YOU no longer exist for you but for those around. When you try to stand up for yourself you are hit with those walls in which that are not able to be seen but imprisons you further and now your weapons have been lost or replaced by weapons that are only good for fighting for the other person.

So now it is time for you to build a new arsenal of personal and emotional weaponry. To strengthen one’s own survival kit to endure, no not only endure but to move past those invisible walls that restrain us to live for ourselves. To learn once again that, that person who was fierce is still there but just needs to be found deep inside and unleashed to their new life. There is one thing that someone can never take away from us which is knowledge and experience. Those cannot be lost….Build your own life that no one can take……..but only the inevitability's of life’s occurrences……those things that we cannot control that we do not create will happen, but we will know that we can surpass them and still feel peace outside of the contraintedness of the invisible walls.

To Fight off the Cynicism: to live a life of joy.

Even though cynicism has a seductive appeal, it gets us really no where, except on the long road of bitterness and stagnation. One of those days that I must fight this off as life is full of unfairities and injustice. It is what we do with such atrocities that really count and turn them into strengths and many valuable lessons. Some lessons I have found appreciative, some I have a hard time emotionally digesting. I suppose we all need to remember some things in this life we are not meant to understand. Perhaps someday we will, but as for now to find comfort in the uncertainty of it all is of the utmost importance to maintain our serenity and the will to continue to breathe in this life we have been given. When we do this, slowly we can begin to find joy in those people and the earthly gifts we have been blessed with. Melancholy is only a temporary state until we heal our hearts and minds, and then we find ourselves being able to smile again, little by little............

A Survivor Not A Victim

 Was remembering what it feels like to be a fighter and survivor. Hadn’t thought of this in so long but over the last several weeks I have been compelled to make some changes in order to simplify my life. I was thinking yesterday about so many things that I have survived which of course ultimately surviving the loss of my son was by far the hardest of all of my challenges. And on some days it still becomes so heavy that I feel as though I cannot breath those all too familiar breaths of sadness anymore. But I do. And then the wave passes and once again I forge ahead. Sometimes stronger than other times but I keep my feet moving.

  So I was thinking about the time when Brad and I were living in Athens Ohio and I was going to college there and also working in the athletic department part time. I ran this path 3 days a week by the college and in some of the area of it there were trees that shielded it from the local highway. It never occurred to me that there was any danger there as I felt safe. On this one typical morning I was running I heard footsteps coming up behind me, I turned thinking it was a fellow runner as it was used quite frequently by bikers and runners. As I looked a man with an army jacket with a hood over his head and a red bandanna over his face came charging at me. He had a head start on me and I couldn’t out run him, as he tackled me dragging me down the hillside through briar's and branches as we landed on the edge of the Hocking River. I just remember pleading with him not to kill me as I had a 2 year old son and no one else could take care of him. He hit me repeatedly in the face and the side, then tying my hands behind my back, shoving dirty rags in my mouth. I knew then that may not survive as his bandanna had fallen and I saw his face. He was tugging at my clothes but kept looking up the hill as there were guys up there beginning to mow grass and were getting closer. All of a sudden he pulled out his knife cut the ropes and shoved me and said “get out of here”. I ran frantically in the direction of the mowers finally reaching them and ran directly to an older gentlemen whom grabbed and hugged me as I collapsed to the ground as he kept asking me what happened. Somehow in the midst of my hysteria I managed to tell him a man with a knife which was all I could manage to get out. It was he that drove me to the police department while a 17 year old young man held me as I cried inconsolably. When we arrived to the Nelsonville Police Department the young lady cop whom was there told them they could leave and she would take care of me. Her means of taking care of me were something that I would have never imagined. There was a young man there getting processed so she told me sit outside on the front steps and wait my turn. In shock I just did what she told me sitting on the steps bleeding, as then she commented to another cop “oh just another domestic violence case”. I had told her I was attacked while running but she didn’t believe me I suppose. What happened next is even more horrific. When it was finally my turn, as I had sat there for a while in so much pain as he had fractured some ribs and broke my facial bone, and was covered in deep scratches that were burning so badly in the sunlight she told me to come in. She said “go in the bathroom and clean up”. She questioned me but with surliness that I knew she didn’t believe me as I continued to adamantly tell her I did not have a boyfriend but was a single parent.     She then took a few pictures of my injuries and then asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I declined being in shock I suppose, and just told them to take me back to the college where my car was. I showered there as I didn’t want to scare my son when I picked him up from daycare. He was only 2 and half so I told him mommy got elbowed by accident while refereeing a basketball game.

  The next day I returned to class beat up and looking awful and was pulled in the dean’s office and asked well really told it wasn’t a good idea for me to be there until I healed because parents were coming in for visit week and it may concern them and pull their children out fearing there may be an attacker/rapist still out there. I declined and said I had to finish my finals. And I did. I didn’t tell my parents anything until a few days later because I did not want to worry them. Of course when I did my mom and my stepdad were there in just under a few hours. They took me to the sight where it happened. I was terrified. Frank found a few beer cans and cigarette butts where he had hidden and waited on me, proving he had been watching me for a while over the last few weeks learning my schedule. Down the path we found my head band I was wearing where he had tackled me. So it was obvious the police had not investigated still thinking it was a boyfriend, which I told them repeatedly I didn’t have one. My stepfather took the items to Police Department and they said they would look into it. A few days later an officer came to my door and terrified me even more by saying he probably knows where I live and since I saw his face he may come back to “permanently shut me up” as he put it……

  Well guess what in a very small portion of the newspaper it read “girl allegedly reports being assaulted”. I moved to Columbus in a week after that. Sadly, 5 months later a girl was raped and murdered on the same river and the assailant was never caught. That could have been me, but by the grace of God the attacker spared me.

  The reason I write this is because lately I  have been in such a low place thinking that I am so heavy and tired that at times I feel I can’t survive any more crisis and tragedies, but after reflecting back on that time I know that I am a strong survivor. And that nothing or no one can discourage me to keep doing what I want to accomplish in this life. Then I fought and survived for my son, and now I have to dig deep down and learn to survive for me and that little injured girl inside of me knowing that I will never let her down.

The Sacredness of Emotional Healing

  To find those things that which are sacred in life is the most honored forms of discovery and awakenings one can experience. To me there are but two choices in this life: embrace all or deflect and run. I have chosen the first. Not all of the time I have chosen to embrace but to escape as the pain was too great and my soul was too weary. Escaping is healthy if it is just for short respites and experienced  in a healthy way, such as reading, watching a movie or mindful meditation. It is when we continue to choose manners that are not spiritually whole that our psych becomes “sick”. I am an expert on choosing the ones that were not so good for me, but I guess I had to go through all of them in order to weed them out and begin to find and use the ones that are spiritually healthy.

  The funny thing is perhaps I am a slow learner or some of my attachments have been a little more difficult to “give up” if you will. As a young child I found remarkable ways in which to nurture myself and find comfort while being alone. It was my horses that gave me respite and a feeling of loving connection. I felt their spirits as so profound and their responsiveness to trauma so powerful. I have so many stories about horses in which that I have encountered in my life that have been abused or neglected, that it is difficult to choose just one. Not to mention all of the other animals that I have saved and corrected their instincts that humans are bad. Without going into to details here, I will just say I identified with animals that needed to be loved and I still do. Life happens to each and every one of us and we do the best we can under the circumstances in which that a lot of the time we have little control, but all we can do is survive.

  Someone once told me that all of those that I was saving were little Mari’s. For the first time in my life that resonated with me and I could put words to what happened inside of me when I did save and protect animals. It wasn’t until I learned ways to save myself that I truly began to live a more peaceful life. Saving other beings eventually catches up with us and if we do not begin to find ways to address what is inside of us that is damaged, we will spend our entire life chasing metaphors that temporarily covers our wounds with a thin bandage. It is when we look at those wounds for what they are, what they “really” are that is, and instill the healing that they need in order to recover, it is then the true in essence of the wound is discovered. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and diligence to work through all of the layers of the emotional wounds and then patiently wait for the granulation to begin. However, once healing begins the power of the wounds decrease and opens up more space for the richness that life has to offer.

  So many of our mistakes in this life are due to unresolved unhealed wounds that perhaps we are not even aware of but if we look closely there is usually a theme that continues repeating itself if we find ourselves sad and lonely. If we can step back, slow down and breathe, our focus can re-center itself and a new awareness can follow. We must do this a little at a time for changes to become permanent, for if we just blaze through ripping and tearing more damage occurs and the longer the healing process becomes. We do not necessarily want to go in and completely debride the wound but we want to slowly remove our emotional scar tissue while not disturbing the natural healing process that goes on at the same time. The challenge is finding the balance and someone to work with us patiently and without judgment.  Seek those that are lovingly compassionate and empathically in tuned to your needs. Allow yourself patience and self-forgiveness, and in return those will flow from you onto all sentient beings.  Live fully, love completely and laugh all of the way to your innards.

Moments: Gratitude and Awareness.

MOMENTS

  I often wonder how every year will unfold and how I will feel on days like today. I just don’t plan anything or want to be around too many people. I have learned that my solitude is so important and taking each moment as they come. I cannot allow myself to get into a rush as it brings up so much anxiety that it is physically painful. It feels like I have rushed and pushed myself my whole life and now I am not willing to do that anymore.

  Today is the seven year anniversary of Brad’s passing. I just allow these days to be what they are and embrace all of the feelings that come. No more escaping behaviors, no more just busying myself to not think but just allowing myself to “be”. I am sad but at the same time I am feeling the overwhelming sense of reverence for my son. This day feels different than the previous year anniversaries. The feeling of sacredness overcomes me and that I have the right to spend it the way I want or I should say the way I need to honor this day.

  Reflection is a big part of this day as I remember the sweet and funny stories of Brad. I awoke this morning sweating from a dream that I was having regarding some sense of anxiousness.  This spoke to me that I need to focus more on my inner spiritual life and practice more meditation techniques especially during times like this.  This reminds me of some lyrics to a song that I have been listening to in the last year. “After all of my running, I am finally coming home”….”the world tried to break me and I found the road to take me,,,,home”.  It has taken so much painstaking work to get where I am and I still have a lot of work to continue to do, but at least I have an idea now what this world is about. There are still days that I think, I cannot do this anymore” but fortunately those moments are fewer and do not last long, as they did in the beginning when I felt I couldn’t breathe another breath of sorrow.  I have found my new sense of my “inner” home and what my needs are in my inner life to instill  peace, happiness and joy.  I no longer feel I have to “fix” everything anymore and it is such a liberating experience, for the only person we are really fully responsible for is “ourselves”.

  So I will end by sharing a story of my son.   He was so humble and sensitive that I knew that not I but something more omnipresent  was responsible for his soul. It was when I started dating David when Brad was eight. From the first moments of David and I in the  beginning our relationship, David always included Brad and never ask me once to get a babysitter, but just said “bring Brad along”. This meant so much to me and I knew this man was special from the beginning. So one weekend before we were getting ready to go to Ashland to spend the weekend with David, Brad seemed to be anxious and pacing through our house wanting to say something to me.  Finally I stopped him and asked him what the matter was. He said so maturely, “mom, David is a lot older than you and if you guys get married, you will live longer than him and then you will be alone and sad.” Not quite knowing how to respond to this I thought for a moment and then responded with this. “Well, that is likely but what we have is now and we really don’t know what will happen in the future, and I try to live my life one day at a time.” I then went on to explain to him that I am a strong person and no matter what I will always be ok. This seemed to settle him and he never brought it up again, but instead lived the way I described one day at a time. David contributed so much in my son’s life that at times I feel  that I don’t tell him enough and I am so grateful to have shared my son’s life with him and we have  worked very hard to survive the tragic loss of Brad.

  I cannot say for sure that someday Brad and I will meet again, but what I can say is that he is still in my life on a spiritual basis and lives through me. My hope is that I can continue to weather out the sad times and take him with me on the rest of my journey through my life. It is he that taught me the essence of loving someone more than myself, and it is he that instilled in me the importance of self-love, compassion and courage.  For this day I find great comfort knowing that he is with me and I can still hear his voice….saying, “Mom.” Our earthly cord may have been severed but our spiritual cord is intact continuing the flow of unconditional love, today and always……..

To Brad, From Mom

TO BRAD, FROM MOM………………. 

  I believe that what we send out in the universe we get back. If we send out love in return we receive love, if we send out negativity then it again comes back to us. I just re-watched a movie that I saw five or six years ago shortly after Brad transitioned to his next life. It is called What the Bleep Do We Know. A nice reminder of how our mind and thoughts influence our lives and our ability to adjust them by having positive intentions.  And when we do “think positive” then positivity will manifest before our eyes. I have to admit here that, this weekend is going to be tough. On Sunday it will be seven years since my son left his physical body but it doesn’t feel that long since he was here with me. So many things have changed and occurred, but my heart still aches at times from missing him. Wondering what he would be doing in his life, if he would have children making me a grandmother and so on. I cannot allow myself to stay in those thoughts for long, as I feel my stomach tighten, my eyes tear up and that unwelcomed lump in my throat. It is too emotionally overwhelming. Instead I go to the place of gratitude for the memories that we have of him and his spiritual presence with me every moment of my life.

   So going back to sending love and peace out to the universe I feel moved to share a story of what happened yesterday while I was walking the dogs in the woods. After my uneventful berry picking, this time not getting chased by a protective momma dear, I took the dogs to the creek for their swim to cool off. As they did their “soak” one by one, I stood there talking to them as usual and told them they could go explore a bit but not for long. Yes I know I talk to them like they are my children and I guess in essence I am their human Mom.  I stood on the creek bed, listening to the sounds of nature and thinking how magnificent it all is and the balance of everything, when suddenly I heard a quiet rustling in the tall foliage near me. I turned to look and a little fawn came trotting down the bank coming directly towards me. I stood very still and it came right to my legs pausing momentarily and brushing up against me. Again I stood silent and still and sending out a protective loving feeling towards the little sweet creature. As I knew the dogs must have frightened it and I wanted to make sure he felt safe. He then walked slowly over to a small deluge between the creek beds and lay down under an area of brush.  Worried, I began to walk back towards the house calling gently for the dogs to follow. Well Momma Doe must have found the dogs first because here we go round two of one angry Momma chasing my four  dogs running towards me with the look of “help!” in their eyes. And out loud I said, “now this could get ugly” as I didn’t have a tractor to run to, nor are my tree climbing skills in check. My only defense I thought was raising my arms to appear big and scary. She stopped about 20 feet in front of me as I grabbed one of the dogs by the collar and  I made eye contact with the doe. She turned slowly and went back to check on her baby. It felt almost like we communicated to each other like “ok we got this now”.

  So what does this mean to me? To me it was just another reminder that because of my son, my internal essence of being a mother is still inside of me. I am still the protector of the vulnerable. I thought about this in depth on our walk back to the house. Something magically occurs it seems when significant dates arrive, like Brad’s birthday, Mother’s Day and so on that I know are “visits” if you will, from my son. Gifts from above as I call them and if we do not remain open and slow down we miss them. Every day I do something that connects me more fully with the universe through nature and my animals. To witness life as it goes on around me, and knowing that not only do I have the privilege to experience it but I also have the duty to share it so that others may be given the hope that “yes life is worth living and meant to enjoy”. I get this now adamantly for one of the first times in my life. Looking forward to many gifts and visits to come…..