Moments: Gratitude and Awareness.

MOMENTS

  I often wonder how every year will unfold and how I will feel on days like today. I just don’t plan anything or want to be around too many people. I have learned that my solitude is so important and taking each moment as they come. I cannot allow myself to get into a rush as it brings up so much anxiety that it is physically painful. It feels like I have rushed and pushed myself my whole life and now I am not willing to do that anymore.

  Today is the seven year anniversary of Brad’s passing. I just allow these days to be what they are and embrace all of the feelings that come. No more escaping behaviors, no more just busying myself to not think but just allowing myself to “be”. I am sad but at the same time I am feeling the overwhelming sense of reverence for my son. This day feels different than the previous year anniversaries. The feeling of sacredness overcomes me and that I have the right to spend it the way I want or I should say the way I need to honor this day.

  Reflection is a big part of this day as I remember the sweet and funny stories of Brad. I awoke this morning sweating from a dream that I was having regarding some sense of anxiousness.  This spoke to me that I need to focus more on my inner spiritual life and practice more meditation techniques especially during times like this.  This reminds me of some lyrics to a song that I have been listening to in the last year. “After all of my running, I am finally coming home”….”the world tried to break me and I found the road to take me,,,,home”.  It has taken so much painstaking work to get where I am and I still have a lot of work to continue to do, but at least I have an idea now what this world is about. There are still days that I think, I cannot do this anymore” but fortunately those moments are fewer and do not last long, as they did in the beginning when I felt I couldn’t breathe another breath of sorrow.  I have found my new sense of my “inner” home and what my needs are in my inner life to instill  peace, happiness and joy.  I no longer feel I have to “fix” everything anymore and it is such a liberating experience, for the only person we are really fully responsible for is “ourselves”.

  So I will end by sharing a story of my son.   He was so humble and sensitive that I knew that not I but something more omnipresent  was responsible for his soul. It was when I started dating David when Brad was eight. From the first moments of David and I in the  beginning our relationship, David always included Brad and never ask me once to get a babysitter, but just said “bring Brad along”. This meant so much to me and I knew this man was special from the beginning. So one weekend before we were getting ready to go to Ashland to spend the weekend with David, Brad seemed to be anxious and pacing through our house wanting to say something to me.  Finally I stopped him and asked him what the matter was. He said so maturely, “mom, David is a lot older than you and if you guys get married, you will live longer than him and then you will be alone and sad.” Not quite knowing how to respond to this I thought for a moment and then responded with this. “Well, that is likely but what we have is now and we really don’t know what will happen in the future, and I try to live my life one day at a time.” I then went on to explain to him that I am a strong person and no matter what I will always be ok. This seemed to settle him and he never brought it up again, but instead lived the way I described one day at a time. David contributed so much in my son’s life that at times I feel  that I don’t tell him enough and I am so grateful to have shared my son’s life with him and we have  worked very hard to survive the tragic loss of Brad.

  I cannot say for sure that someday Brad and I will meet again, but what I can say is that he is still in my life on a spiritual basis and lives through me. My hope is that I can continue to weather out the sad times and take him with me on the rest of my journey through my life. It is he that taught me the essence of loving someone more than myself, and it is he that instilled in me the importance of self-love, compassion and courage.  For this day I find great comfort knowing that he is with me and I can still hear his voice….saying, “Mom.” Our earthly cord may have been severed but our spiritual cord is intact continuing the flow of unconditional love, today and always……..