Honoring Your True Self, Withstanding the Winds of Time

  We do not have to look far to see the amazing palate of beauty around us. I remember when in the earliest days after the loss of my son, how unsteady I felt and my lack of ability to see any beauty. Even on warm sunny days what I felt and what I saw was cold darkness. The air felt thick and my world was so dark that I had the sense of falling every waking hour......
  Over the years, I have encountered folks that would say, well I have had loss in my life, but nothing compares to what you have lost. I would say "but it is the worst loss you have had and it is painful." Any loss is painful whether it be a death, a divorce, loss of long time job, loss of youth or just plain loss of feeling joy and happiness. This is where we as humans are connected. We have all experienced losing something. That feeling in the pit of our stomachs of internal sickness. Our heart hurts and we think that the tears will never end, but they will.  I remember on so many days saying out loud "I don't want to do this anymore or I can't do this.". But somehow through grace and those amazing people around me I survived. I have been asked if I ever went to support groups, but I did not. I just had the blessings of the right people at the right time in my life...See I am an introvert, and I do best with just one or two people around me. I have never felt overly comfortable in large groups that is why I drank to feel like I fit in and to be sociable but really that is not who I am. Once I realized this, the stress of feeling obligated or guilty left me.
  We must truly honor ourselves and in return it will teach others how to honor us as well. My whole life I have found myself participating in things that really wasn't for me but I did because I just thought that is what we are suppose to do, but that is not true at all. I was a yes person, for fear of hurting others feelings but now I can be honest and say no if it is not good for my overall well being.
Now we will all have to do things in this life that we do not like, that is not what I am saying here but what we can do is speculate if it is part of our true inner being and decide if we are honoring ourselves or the other person wishes.  A good way to discover if we are paying attention to our specific needs is examine how we feel on a daily basis. If I begin to feel emotionally weary and physically heavy I know that I am out of balance. I am not taking care of myself and I have once again began to carry others. This is not good for me at all. I then immediately go into some self loathing thoughts and go directly to "is this life worth living." I can't afford to do this anymore or I will sink fast and hard.
  So what do I mean by all of this? So many of us are constantly focusing and worrying about what others are doing or how we can help others especially those of us in the health care field, it is in our nature because that is what we do in our work. It can be difficult to transition from that mode but we must. I can immediately read others faces now and tell whether or not they are balanced.  I can do this because I would look in the mirror almost everyday and I did not recognize my face anymore from being weary. WE all learn by example as far back as when we first started mirroring the expression of our parents faces as babies. If we want those around us to be emotionally and physically healthy we must first start with us. I use the example all of the time as what I have told our employees. What I tell them is "when you walk out of this office and for some reason you cannot return to work, someone should be able to come in here and pick up pretty close to where you left off." WE cannot predict what will happen tomorrow but what we can do is be prepared if we cease to exist or become disabled mentally or physically.   In life we must focus on cross training others so they too can take with them our example of living a happy life and taking care of their own personal needs. I have seen over and over the legacy of creating dependents go through generation after generation. Co-dependent personalities that are so toxic and contagious that they will never know true happiness or genuine peace, which is so tragic.Their nervous systems are always on the reactive mode instead of being pro active.
  What example can you set today that will transfer positively to another? Do you want the ones around you to be dependent or independent? Once you start taking care of yourself it will spread to the ones closely around you and the roots start to strengthen and grow. Like the tree in the picture above what you see above the ground are strong branches, but what you don't see, but know that is there is the strong root system nourishing and providing stability so the tree can withstand the winds of time. Find "your" root system so you too can survive all of the eliments that you will encounter in this life and remain standing strong providing respite and hope for all beings around you........

Reflections of Easter Season Living Beside the Loss of My Son

During this season of Easter I always reflect on Mary and her love for her son and how she endured the agony of watching her son helplessly as he was persecuted and crucified by the Romans and drew his last breath with her love and presence by his side. As the story goes it was the women who stayed during the entire process but the men fled from the town with shock and terror. I read this once at ...a convent that I was staying at in Melbourne Kentucky. It was at a time when I would go there and find respite being surrounded by wonderful women that truly cared for me and comforted me just by their mere presence. On a comedic aspect they tried to recruit me even though I was married. They said “so some of us have been married”. That was their way of making me feel welcome. I even on some occasions, found myself fixing things like leaky faucets, squeaky doors and other little maintenance items until one of the sisters handed me an application. Lol. On the reflection of Mary, it was during the earliest days, months and years after the loss of my son that I was drawn to her. She would come to me in my dreams and inspired many of my early Mandala works. It didn’t really imbue in me until I was in Rome at the Vatican and saw the powerful work of art by Michelangelo, the Piata. As I approached and began gazing at the magnificent piece, I found my focus drawn to Mary’s face, it was then I realized the resonating connection. I felt her pain and I had to look away. It was too much at once as I knew the exact feeling of holding my son on my lap after he died. It is beyond words to describe as I have tried so many times but is a feeling that only a mother that has lost a child knows. I don’t even try anymore as I have not discovered any words that remotely come close. It was Mary’s spiritual connection that carried me on my heavy darkest of nights, when I couldn’t breathe another breath of sorrow. I knew that she survived and so must I and it was her that was with me. My dreams of her were warm and light as every essence of my soul was encircled by her love the way I too loved my son. My son was persecuted by voices caused by an illness that ultimately took him from me on June 10, 2005. So now I too have found a new way of having a spiritual relationship with my son knowing that he is at peace from the demons that tortured him like the Romans tortured Christ, he will suffer no more. Yes…..I miss him every day and the thought of living the rest of my life without him here is daunting to I must stay into today. Eventually my days turned into weeks, months and finally years that I learned how to not only just survive this life, but truly live now. It was my son who taught me what love, grace and courage really is and in order fully live a life of purpose and meaning. So on this Easter I am overcome by such gratitude for the sacrifice of Christ for our lives and the gift of having my son for the time that he was here. Without Brad, I would not be even remotely as to who I have become today. Thank you Brad for your life, your love and your sweet soul. I will wait patiently all the days of my life until we meet again………

Akeru: To Open, To Unwrap To Bring Light, New Beginnings.

 I have used the word Akeru on several occasions throughout my writings but until recently I wasn't able to really grasp the true meaning of this word. It means:
AKERU: To open, to unwrap, to empty, to clear out, to make space, to start, to dawn, to bring light and to make room for new beginnings.
It was early on after the loss of my son that I discovered this word in one of my books that I was diligently reading trying to figure out how I was going to survive the loss of my son. To me it immediately resonated because I had this huge hole in my heart, an emptiness that I thought that ultimately I would die from by not being able to even breath on most days. It hurt to live and every nerve in my body was on fire. My chest was heavy, my mind was uncontrollably racing and as the days went by I would continue to look for my child the way I have witnessed some of my animals when their young died at birth.I found myself sitting on the couch looking down the driveway waiting for his car to pull in and the sound of his music thumping in the background. But he never came. I knew that I must fill this place in my heart with something, so I tried so hard for about a year at everything until one day I just collapsed with weary sadness and realized that I would never feel the same again without him in my physical life.
  When one loses a child, every part of our being is on the front line. What I mean by this is all of the healthy coping mechanisms are there, but so are all of the unhealthy ones. Your true personality is at its height and your vulnerabilities are raging. It feels like your soul has been ripped wide open and the smallest of things hit you like a tsunami and knocks you so far down that you find yourself gasping for breath. I use to work with pulmonary patients and a repeated phrase they would use was "it feels like you never know if your next breath will come". THAT is the way I felt everyday for so long I just didn't even want to attempt to live most days, but I did.
  Somehow by the grace of God and the universe I slowly pulled out of the nose dive that I was in, and began to see some light. During my days I have looked back now and realized that I had returned to most of the things that I did as a child to self soothe and survive heartache. My animals, art, spending time in nature and above all asking for help from my therapist. I knew that during this life tragedy I needed some help with direction and clarity. What I can say is the most important lesson that she taught me was to forgive myself and to have self compassion. This took awhile and was painful but I had to go way back to my earliest years and work through all my "stuff" that was keeping me stuck. And oh how I was stuck. God I worked hard on this one and Pema Chodron a Buddhist nun has a series on Getting Unstuck, which is also helpful, but the majority of it was unraveled "on the couch" as some say.....therapy.
  Most recently I have captured the inner strength to look towards new beginnings. I am back in school for a second career and I am expected to graduate in May of 2013. It seems inconceivable for me to see this so close and I can't even imagine the feeling that I will have after this accomplishment. But this is not only my accomplishment, but first of all the strength and the grace is to God for delivering me through this transition. And secondly, the support, kindness and great compassion that all of the people in my life surrounded me with even through my darkest of times.....a forever grateful thank you and reverence I will always carry inside of me for their tireless efforts and love. Lastly, I want to thank my son, Brad, for teaching me so many lessons and giving me the gift of being an earthly mother. Providence and light to all today and always...........

Magical Horses Healing Our Souls

 I have worked with horses all of my life. Not so much on a training basis but on a spiritual basis of connection. They always fascinated me as a child and as far back as I can remember I became so connected to them as early as three years old. I was mesmerized by them. I use to sneak out in the pastures and just "be" with them. I never really thought about this until most recently as to why they drew me into their world. What I have discovered is that they are such incredible beings. They have feelings just as we, but do not have the advantage as humans to be able to speak. However, I have learned to be able to read their eyes and their body movements. I now understand why as even a child I have been fascinated by their presence. It is their massive bodies but yet gentle souls that they have unless they have been abused. Horses respond adversely for just two reasons; fear and pain. They are prey animals and at the bottom of the food chain as they are vegetarians. It absolutely pains me so deep when I see these magical creatures that have been abused. I identified with these animals as a child and loved and felt cared for when they would carry me on their backs. I still feel this comfort to this day. The way they take care of me and protect me when we are riding on trails. Now not all horses are like this but if they are treated correctly they will do this.
  A story of how intuitive horses really are, is one of the days shortly after the passing of my son. My son Brad once told me a few months before he died that my big horse Buster did not like to have all of the lights out in the barn at night...His words, "Mom, Buster doesn't like being in the dark." I knew then that my son had the gift that I had of really reading animals. Unfortunately his mental illness took him from me a few weeks later. I then began to leave the tack room light on for Buster and noticed that he hadn't paced all night in the stall.
  Once when I was in the barn letting the horses out, I lead Buster to the back door to the wide open green pasture which all of the other horses and ponies would just fly out the door to get the first bite. Not Buster, as he walked out turned around to me and I was crying and feeling so sad that day and weary missing Brad, that when I stood next to his neck, Buster bent his neck around and squeezed me to his shoulder. He held me there for about thirty seconds while I sobbed inconsolably. After that moment I never looked at horses the same way. When I was sad Buster was sad and I could tell. He was quieter and moved slower as trying not to upset me even more.
  As I wrote this, I teared up thinking about that day and how I still miss my son so much at times. But, knowing that he is at peace and not being haunted by his illness brings me comfort.
  Fly with the angels Brad and ride some of those magical angelic horses that are there with you. Thank you for being my sun/son and giving me the gift of unconditional motherly love...Always in my heart until we meet again........Love Mom.

Connections to Others

At some point in our lives at least for me, we come in contact with someone that has a similar story and the same fears about life. It is then we suddenly do not feel so alone. I can't imagine going through life without having connections with others. This is what it is all about. If we want to survive this old world we must open ourselves up and let others know us. Yes it is a risk and yes we will get hurt, but all of this is worth it when you connect even if it is just one person from time to time. I have to say that in the last year I have truly been blessed with re-connections. It has almost all been due to Facebook. I live in the country and have felt so isolated at times that I became complacent and depressed. Of course as most of you know Mr. Budlight became my best friend but what he took was my life. I used this relationship with alcohol to anesthetize the pain of losing my son, and fill the whole of loneliness. Once I finally realized to honor my true self I feel more at peace. I love my solitude and have to have a large amount of it so I can be at my best and feel well, but I also need connections. Over many years I have come to the awareness of those that are good for me and those that are not. I need to feel calm and protect my nervous system from over stimulus… I love to laugh but I stay away from ranting and raving. I have written of this before but I want to elaborate on more of what I mean by this. I know we all have moments of anger and anger can be a healthy motivator. However, if we find ourselves snapping over simple things then something is out of balance in our lives. We must address this for so many reasons. I use to walk around this farm and in my life a great deal of the time with this walk of anger. I noticed it one day when I was walking to my horse barn. I stopped and paid attention to my entire body. My shoulders were tense, my step was quick and hard and my breathing was shallow. I had to look at what was really going on. I was pissed but at what? In a general sense I was mad at life. I was not taking care of myself the way I should. No I was not drinking, but I was not speaking up for my needs. Once again our primary needs are not the only needs that we have, but we each have different needs. For example, my needs have changed greatly due to the loss of my son. I have to really be careful now to not over commit myself and allow time for myself for mindful and working meditation. Some will ask what the heck is that.  Both are forms of meditation but we are doing something that is calming such as gardening, reading, and painting or even for me at times it is driving my tractor and bush hogging. I spend time with my animals every day and this rejuvenates me so I can be at my best when I do connect with others. I am more fully present when I am with others and my heart is open to give and receive love. I have to say I am so thankful that I am in the place that I am now. I still have struggles, I still miss my son and still mess up pretty much on a daily basis but I apologize immediately with sincerity and humility. Being mindful, forces us to slow down and really live day to day instead of flying through the day not even realizing what we have missed or who we may have hurt on a careening journey of just speeding through the day. So with this I will leave you…….Slow down and say or do something kind for someone today and then pay attention how you feel inside after doing this. Share this experience with someone that is close to you and really “be” in the moment. For all we have are moments and then tomorrow those will be gone and if we are lucky we will get a chance to do it again….light to all have a good weekend.

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